Mental Health is the One True Wealth

A Princess and her Journey to Health

Month: October, 2014

Things I need to say to past me

First of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all I put you through. I’m sorry I thought you were fat, I’m sorry I thought you were stupid. I’m sorry that I didn’t think you deserved to live. I’m sorry I gave up on you.

You deserved better than that. I look at old photographs when I was deep into my eating disorder and part of me wants that body back. Just so we’re all clear, I was never really underweight. At 5 ft nothing, I’ve always been at a healthy weight for my height. But I see this girl in the pictures and I don’t want to be her ever again. I like how her body looks but I don’t like her fake smile, her dead hair of the faraway look in her eyes. I don’t like seeing that body and knowing what was going on inside that head. She was dying to be thin.

If I could go back and tell myself anything, it would be that it gets easier. At times, it felt like I’d be trapped inside my mental illness forever. But that isn’t true. It does in fact get better, it gets easier, you find yourself again.

I’m not eating disorder controlled anymore. I haven’t got the same addled brain I once did. I’m better and stronger now. I saw a before and after picture of myself. I’m not the before girl anymore. Nor am I the after. I’m a new version of myself. Because both before and after, I was still the girl full of self hate.

Now I’m the girl with the curves. Curves for days. My whole body is just made up of curves. I have these big hips, I’ve got a booty and I’ve got boobs. I need all these curves to hold my happiness. To hold my future and hopes. I need them to keep me alive. I love me, most of the time. I’m more than a number. I’m more than a size. I’m even more than what I look like on the outside. Looking at me you won’t know that I love to read, you won’t know that I love cuddles or that my favourite season is autumn. You won’t know that I sing at the top of my lungs when I’m home alone or that I’ve watched The Holiday 3 times in the same day. There is a whole lot you will not know about a person just by their appearance.

A common misconception is that if you lose weight you’ll be happier. That is wrong. So, so wrong. Don’t buy into it. An eating disorder will not make you any happier. If you’re struggling, make a change. I can promise you, you don’t wanna look back at old pictures and feel that same sadness for how much you hurt yourself. But you’ve gotta learn to forgive.

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Maybe if I didn’t exist, things would be easier for the ones I love

There’s something that still confuses me about how I react to situations that really hurt me. I start to beat myself up mentally until I actually feel bruised on the inside. I tell myself that if I just ceased to exist, maybe i could stop hurting people. But how? I have no idea how to just stop existing. Furthermore, the majority of the time I don’t want to. It’s just how I get in that low, self loathing place.

Last year when I was deepest into bulimia, I had no goals. I had no life. Honestly, I don’t know how I was still alive at the end of that. Every day I told myself that I would be better off dead. Every day I dragged myself to school, out of bed, where ever, without actually wanting to be there. I was broken and I was fake. I smiled a plastic smile that never came from inside me, it was never a happy smile. It was at those times I wondered what happened to the broken people. Y’know when a material item is broken, you can throw it away, you can recycle it, you can try piece it back together. People cannot be recycled. And that always puzzled me. Depression is a disease. And not one that can be fixed until you recognise it and really try to fix it.

This is still confusing me. I’m trying to work it out in my head as I go along. But yesterday I was sitting in my room and a sentence just came to me and that sentence made it a little bit clearer to me. There is nothing for a broken person to do until they decide to be fixed. It’s just a waiting game really.

I desperately wanted to get better about a year in. But I didn’t have the strength. I was waiting for my family to fix me. I was waiting for my friends to fix me. All the while I was doing nothing. But then something changed and I wanted it. I wanted to get better because I wanted to have a life and not just go through the motions anymore.

That’s what it’s like. It takes away everything. You establish rituals. You become obsessed with food. You forget there are other things out there. For me, it was this suffocating little bubble. My eating disorder was my only “friend”. But it isn’t your friend. It isn’t trying to help you. It isn’t all you have. I’ve talked to so many people who don’t want to recover because they are reliant on their eating disorder, they think it’s like a safety blanket. And that really breaks my heart. They think that their biggest problem is their saviour. And that is messed up.

This thing making you feel fat, ugly and worthless isn’t your friend. The distorted image in the mirror isn’t your friend. The voice that’s always making you compare yourself to others isn’t your friend. This stupid journey to perfection isn’t your friend. There is no such thing as perfect. What is perfect to one person can be something completely different to another person.

What I’m trying to say is, no matter how bad it seems. You always have more to give, more to do, more to be. You are just more. Your lack if existence wouldn’t make anything better. It would just leave a massive, raw, painful you-shaped hole in the lives of all the people who love you. So call your friends, regardless of how long it’s been since you last spoke. I can almost guarantee that they don’t hate you. Spend some time with your family even if you feel like they don’t understand, you can help them try. Let them in. Never feel like you have nothing to give. Your existence is enough.

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Self Discovery

This is the new chapter in my many paged book of life. Life is a roller coaster. There are so many ups and downs. For two years I was in decline mode. I slipped further and further into a state of depression, anxiety and a life altering eating disorder. But now I’ve chosen recovery. 44 weeks. Just keep counting the weeks and it gets easier. I wanted to make this blog so I had somewhere to write my story, write how I feel and my views and opinions. My biggest hope is that this blog helps someone, anyone that is going through the same thing. I hope my message will be that it gets easier. Life goes on and it gets better. From me to you, I promise that. It won’t always be easy but it will always be worth it.

I started this because along the way, an eating disorder took so much from me. My sense of comfort within myself and independence included. So this is my attempt to take back what I love, which is writing, which is having an opinion. This is a big part of me and this is what I want back most. I want to feel okay in a room by myself with my own thoughts, I want my mind to embrace my body. I’m 18 years old and I’m ready to live. I’ve forgotten how to take care of myself, constantly relying on approval of others and their support but this is where it ends. Because I am me and I am enough. I’m am incredibly enough.

I eat now. I eat a lot. I love food. My body is healthy and weight restored. That isn’t all recovery is though. I have a real smile now, one that lights me up from the inside out. I laugh, and boy do I laugh. I find happiness I’m the simplest things. I have energy. I can be around people without feeling judged. My anxiety levels have decreased so so much. I’m doing it. Every day by living alone I am beating what almost killed me. That is a fantastic feeling. That is the best feeling. To truly be alive. I have years ahead of me, so much to experience, so much to learn from. You need to want it bad enough. Choose recovery. You won’t like the other option.

This is where I will stay true to myself and write what I feel like writing. This will be where I promote recovery, real recovery, none of this quest bar and diet coke crap. There’s more to life than calories, believe it or not. It would really mean a lot to me if you guys could tell me your opinions on having this blog and any way I can help. Wherever you are, I hope you’re well and that you love yourself x

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