First of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all I put you through. I’m sorry I thought you were fat, I’m sorry I thought you were stupid. I’m sorry that I didn’t think you deserved to live. I’m sorry I gave up on you.
You deserved better than that. I look at old photographs when I was deep into my eating disorder and part of me wants that body back. Just so we’re all clear, I was never really underweight. At 5 ft nothing, I’ve always been at a healthy weight for my height. But I see this girl in the pictures and I don’t want to be her ever again. I like how her body looks but I don’t like her fake smile, her dead hair of the faraway look in her eyes. I don’t like seeing that body and knowing what was going on inside that head. She was dying to be thin.
If I could go back and tell myself anything, it would be that it gets easier. At times, it felt like I’d be trapped inside my mental illness forever. But that isn’t true. It does in fact get better, it gets easier, you find yourself again.
I’m not eating disorder controlled anymore. I haven’t got the same addled brain I once did. I’m better and stronger now. I saw a before and after picture of myself. I’m not the before girl anymore. Nor am I the after. I’m a new version of myself. Because both before and after, I was still the girl full of self hate.
Now I’m the girl with the curves. Curves for days. My whole body is just made up of curves. I have these big hips, I’ve got a booty and I’ve got boobs. I need all these curves to hold my happiness. To hold my future and hopes. I need them to keep me alive. I love me, most of the time. I’m more than a number. I’m more than a size. I’m even more than what I look like on the outside. Looking at me you won’t know that I love to read, you won’t know that I love cuddles or that my favourite season is autumn. You won’t know that I sing at the top of my lungs when I’m home alone or that I’ve watched The Holiday 3 times in the same day. There is a whole lot you will not know about a person just by their appearance.
A common misconception is that if you lose weight you’ll be happier. That is wrong. So, so wrong. Don’t buy into it. An eating disorder will not make you any happier. If you’re struggling, make a change. I can promise you, you don’t wanna look back at old pictures and feel that same sadness for how much you hurt yourself. But you’ve gotta learn to forgive.