Looking for a Calling

I realised earlier that I have yet to apply to college. I know in my heart that I will be spending the next three to four years of my life in college. So why haven’t I applied yet?

I guess I’m just still not sure. I’m not fully committed to choosing a college course right now. I tell people I’m going to study arts and become a teacher but really, I’m not so sure. I want to follow my heart and I can’t do that on a deadline. So I guess really, I’m gonna study arts and see where I go after that. Don’t get me wrong, teaching is incredibly attractive to me. I would love to teach. But there are still some doubts there. What if I choose wrongly and I end up stuck?

I can’t feel stuck and I can’t feel confined. It would crush everything I’ve built inside myself. My heart tells me that I should help people. I want to help people who suffer with eating disorders. I want to be a part of that recovery process and undoing the damage eating disorders make. The thing is, my eating disorder ruined that dream for me.

There are so many things about my bulimia that I could get over and leave behind, but my education isn’t one of them. I’m still incredibly angry every time I think about my exam results because I would have done so much better had I been mentally healthy. But I wasn’t. It’s too late to change that.

Anxiety kept me home from school for a lot of my senior cycle. I was afraid of being confronted for my eating disorder, I wanted to distance myself from my friends and basically bad grades confirmed that I wasn’t good enough. School was an ordeal. I tried my best given the circumstances. I didn’t fail any subjects, not even the ones I would consider my weakest but I still felt like I could have been better.

I could have been better if not for… for what? I can’t say that because what happened, happened. I can’t change that. I need to accept that I had an eating disorder and it messed with my academics.

But I will go to college. In September, I will leave my family, my friends and my home town to start my new chapter. I’ll see where it takes me. I know it will be the most difficult step I’ll ever take, including my whole recovery because I find change hard. I find it difficult to make new, solid relationships. I find it difficult to let people know me on a deep level. It’s scary but it’s exciting and I’m ready.

I might be a teacher, I might not be. But I have plenty of time to figure that out.

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