Mental Health is the One True Wealth

A Princess and her Journey to Health

Month: March, 2015

The Next Step

it seems like the months have just flown by since Christmas and I’m getting nervous and excited. College is fast approaching and I’m just not ready. On one hand, I’m so ready to try living independently and having that freedom to see if I can handle living away from home. On the other hand, I’m leaving my home town and all my family and friends to go to Dublin, where I don’t know anybody. It’s gonna be such a big step for me and honestly, I’m a little scared. I’ve come along way in a year and some days I really wish I were in college right now and I feel like maybe I got left behind. I’m anxious to get there and do well. I don’t want it to be like my final exams all over again. I don’t want to get in the way of myself like I did with those. I know I can be great if I try and I want this so bad but my emotions stunt my growth sometimes and that scares me. It’s like I trip over myself and I’m tired of that happening. I want to be great.

Im terrified I don’t get into the course I want. I don’t have a back up plan and I know, I should have, but what if all I want is that one thing? It is all I want and it’s out of my hands now. It’s kinda up to fate now whether or not I get it. I hope I do, I really hope. Maybe next year I’ll be more motivated all round to be better and be the best version of myself. My workouts aren’t as fun as they once were and with college and saving, paying for gym membership just isn’t very high on the list of priorities right now. But I would love a personal trainer and gym membership. Someone to whip my ass into shape when I’m not pushing myself as hard as I can. I’m really considering buying the Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guide. If any of you have any feedback on those, I’d love to hear so drop me a comment. I’ve seen such amazing progress pics but I’d love to get a better idea of what the programme is like.

I’m settling back into my normal schedule and treated myself to some full body pampering for the first time in ages. I don’t know but having smooth legs makes me feel fab! I’m not eating as healthy as I was a few weeks ago but I’ll get back into it. My chocolate cravings are a little crazy! But I’m fighting against them. Getting serious about making those changes. I’ll keep you all posted.

  

Getting back on the Wagon

My workout schedule just came to an abrupt stop the past two weeks. I’ve been working 3 days a week instead of just the one and on the days I don’t have ridiculously long shifts at work, I just don’t feel like doing much of anything. The plan is to start over again today and typical Irish weather is messing with my plans. Of course it would be sunny all weekend while I was in work and then when I finally have a day to enjoy it, it would have to be raining again! Just my luck. Besides that I intend to do a leg workout from the Blogilates app.

Despite not having been exercising and eating, well, everything, my body seems to be holding up okay. I still see my little ab line that I’m so proud of, and also my work trousers seem to be getting much looser without me doing that much. Maybe spending over eight hours a day on your feet has some perks! Today is the day I get up and put my big girl panties back on. This isn’t all about me and there are just some things I have to accept that I can’t fix or change because that’s what gets me down. I hate feeling useless. In some scenarios though, that’s exactly what I am. 

I’m ready to stop the crying and feeling sorry for myself. I still have sadness in my heart but it’s not for myself. There isn’t anything wrong with me besides the fact that I often misinterprete problems with situations I find myself in, with my own personal issues. Of course I didn’t come to this conclusion on my own. I didn’t see clearly at all. He fixed it like he always does. Maybe just one last time. Time to get up, fuel up and get out today. I’m ready to start feeling healthy and fit again! 

  

Throwback Thursay

Throwback to when you said you loved me and you meant it. When you said that you’ll always be here for me. To when you promised I was the only girl for you. Throwback to when you were my person and I was yours. To when I was happy, to when I had forgotten how it felt to be this sad.

They keep saying it will get better with time, I know it won’t. I can never forget you. It hurts every time I think about you because it’s like a punch in the fucking heart. I have been out of my house so much just to get away from my room where I spent hours talking to you and where I can do nothing but think of you. I want to tell you something when It happens and I remember I can’t and again, it’s like a kick in the chest. You’re gone. You are not coming back because you simply do not care. I know this. At least, I think I know this, and still, I miss you.

For a while today I saw my favourite little guy. He was so happy. His laugh can fill up a room and his smile is just sunshine. He was running up the hill ahead of me and he kept on stopping just to laugh. It reminded me that there are still some good things left in this life. It reminded me that there is still innocence and happiness. For those few minutes, he made me smile. Actually smile. His childish ignorance was infectious. 



People keep telling me this will get better, that I won’t feel this way forever. But they don’t know. How it felt to be with you. How it felt to love you. It was like an eternal summer. I love you and at the same time, I think I hate you. Because my pain is turning to poetry in my head and I feel tragic. You make me write and my minutes not writing are spent allowing beautiful words to flow through me and I have to write them into my journal. I love words and I love to write but not like this. Not when it’s the only thing that’s keeping the words and the thoughts from overwhelming me. 

I’m waiting to got to college. To be a teacher, maybe. You see I love to write and hell, I know I’ll never make it as a writer, but what if it’s the only thing that’s holding me together? Do I have a choice? 

I’m still looking. For you. But it’s almost impossible. What I have depends purely on whether or not you were being honest for once. I possibly have your name. No surname, no address, no picture. I hate myself for being so naive. It’s sickening. What an easy target for this I was. You did tell me never trust anyone I met on the Internet and you’re right, I shouldn’t have. You built me and you broke me just as easily. And I’m bitter and angry. Because you’re supposed to know me and understand me and get me. You were supposed to be helping me when the world was cruel to me but now you’re just part of what’s causing the pain. I can’t get over that. How my baby could do this to me. Maybe I just never really was the princess. But now, I will be the Queen and I won’t ever depend on another person for my happiness again. I think I had the right idea when I pushed people away from me. Maybe it was never to stop them being hurt. Maybe I am more selfish than I ever thought. Perhaps it’s just safer not to let people close enough to hurt you. I don’t have it in me to be the source of my own happiness. Not yet, at least.

I need to get out and find the beauty in the world again. I’ve lost it. There’s a partial eclipse tomorrow. I feel like that could change things. I can only imagine how beautiful and magic it will be. I look forward to it.



A letter to Him

You won’t come back and I don’t know why you left. You didn’t even say goodbye. Do I really mean that little to you? You built me up and now you’ve knocked me back down onto my ass again. I’m getting feelings back that had gone away for over a year, all thanks to you. You set me up for destruction. You said you loved me more but this just confirms what I knew all along. I love you more.

Maybe I just got too much. Or maybe I just wasn’t enough. I don’t know for sure and at this stage, I doubt I ever will. I don’t feel like doing anything. I want to sleep and when I wake up, I want to go back to sleep. I can’t find a reason for myself anymore. You’re everywhere. I could get a tattoo of your name on my skin, but it would never go deeper than the engraving of you that’s on my heart. You’re in songs, you’re in books, you’re in feelings and you’re in words. You’re in me

I have the music you told me about in my playlists, the book you told me to read on my shelf and the words and promises you made in my head. I can’t escape from you. You’re in my dreams and you’re faceless. I wake up and it all shuts down again. 

I stopped crying myself to sleep a long time ago, but it’s back again. I don’t know how to live in a world without you in it. I lay awake at night thinking about you, knowing you’re out there somewhere. Wondering if maybe you’re thinking of me too. Wondering if you see me in tv shows and songs and if my words are in your head too. I wonder how you could say you love me and then just cut me off. Without so much as a goodbye. I know you lied. The lie hurt but this hurts more. I always thought that no matter what, you’d still be my best friend. But you just walked away. 

Part of me thinks I’m over reacting, but after a day short of two weeks, I think it’s safe to assume that I’m right. You’re not coming back and I have no way to reach you. But I miss my best friend. I miss you. I have nobody to talk to like I can with you and that’s devastating. The weight of the emptiness is crushing. I guess if you said goodbye, I never would have accepted it anyway. I’d never have let you go. 

You’re out there somewhere and I’m betting you’re still checking in on me. Know that I just want to know that you’re safe. I want you to be happy. And mostly, I want you to know that I love you. You gave me meaning for a while and you showed me that I’m capable of happiness. You showed me I can really love someone. I’m sorry you can’t be with me. I’m sorry I’m not doing so well. I’m looking after myself though. Mostly. I miss you.



Things my future daughter should know

This post has been brewing inside of me for weeks now and an event this morning just finally triggered me to write it. So basically, I want to know what the whole deal with slut shaming is. I was scrolling through Facebook when I got up and I came across a post from a girl. This post was a rant about teenage girls she encountered while she was walking her dog yesterday. This post outlined the problems with teenagers today and it honestly bothered the hell out of me. Firstly, you are still a teenager. Stop acting so superior. And secondly, it is not okay to assume a girl is a “slut” based on how she was dressed. If she wants to wear leggings and a thong, good for her. If she wants to wear an ankle length skirt, good for her. If she wants her ass hanging out of her shorts, that is her decision and it sure as hell is not any of your business. Do you know why? I’ll tell you. That is her body. You have no say in what she does with it. She is owning her body and her rights to express herself and I’m sorry that you feel the need to shame her for that. A world in which women feel as though they are in constant competition is a sad place.

I admit that in the past, I have called other girls sluts and I really do regret that. Girls are brought up to compete with each other. We’re taught to fight other girls for the guy, to be the prettiest, to be the most popular. But I just don’t buy into it anymore. Are you really that dissatisfied with your own life that you can’t pay another woman a compliment? When you are confident and happy with yourself, maybe then you’ll get to that place where you can spread the love and appreciation for other women.

I hate the words slut and hoe. I especially hate them coming from the mouths of women. You know how hard it is out there, why are you calling out another female for doing what men do all the time? Why is it only okay if a man does it? If you want to sleep with hundreds of men, you go do it. It’s your choice. Women are constantly reprimanded for doing things men get away with. Because boys will be boys and it’s not ladylike behaviour.

Bullshit. I’m tired of it. Girls are brought up to believe that if a boy hits her, he secretly likes her. When you tell a little girl that, you’re telling her that boys express their love through violence. You’re letting her grow up to be a woman who will sit back and take a punch because deep down, he loves her really. My daughter will never think like that. If a boy hits her, she can hit him back. It won’t be unladylike. And damn right I hope she hits like a girl because that is not an insult. Girls have a power that boys can’t even comprehend. We are beings full of this strange energy and ability to do great things, it’s something a man can only hope to witness. 

Growing up, I didn’t know much about feminism. I thought it was a bunch of man-hating, bra-burning lesbians. That is what I thought feminists were. I’m embarrassed about that now. But that is just how I perceived it and how our patriarchal society would have me see it. These days, I know better. I wear makeup, I love skirts, high heels are my weakness and I am a feminist. If you’re not, you’re doing it wrong. I believe in equality between the sexes and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think women should be paid the same as men and treated the same as men. I believe education should be the same for both males and females. I don’t believe in gender roles. Don’t set limitations for children, you’re stunting their growth and squashing their potential. 

If I’m ever lucky enough to give birth to a daughter there are some things I’d like her to know.

  • Don’t ever let anybody tell you you can’t do something because you’re a girl
  • You don’t need a man to make you complete, you were born with everything you need
  • If he hits you, he isn’t worth shit. Walk away from him, and if you feel it, hit him back
  • You have the potential to do anything you work for

Lastly, I’d like to share this short verse I found on tumblr :

“Don’t you dare
Shrink yourself
For someone else’s comfort-
Do not become small
For people who refuse to grow”



Eat to Grow

One of the main differences in myself that really only hit me a minute ago, is my thought process surrounding food. I used to stick to around 1,200 calories a day and if I exercised, it was a bonus because I got to work off some of those. So most days my body was in starvation mode. I’ve since stopped counting calories unless I feel as if they’re low. So earlier I did a quick review of what I’ve eaten today and got so excited because I have so many calories to make up. I got excited. And I’ll work out later so score, even more food. 

Food is fuel and my new motto is eat to grow. I won’t ever let my body be in starvation mode again. I don’t want to be skinny and I don’t want a thigh gap. I don’t want to feel tired or have dry, damaged hair from bad nutrition. I’m in love with the idea of being strong and healthy. There’s this feeling of being solid and invincible that comes with working out and bettering yourself. That feeling keeps me going and it makes me feel like me. 

I fell off the path in my fitness journey for a while but I got back up and I’ve started again. The ache in my muscles after a hard workout and the pushing of my boundaries mentally and physically is invigorating. It makes me so happy and I don’t think a lot of my friends and family understand that.

This isn’t about losing weight. It isn’t about hating my body and wanting to change it, it’s quite the opposite. This is loving my body enough to want to make it healthy and strong, pushing myself to get better and fuelling my body correctly. Chocolate bar? No thanks, give me something full of protein. Proper nutrition is important to me because it’s the difference between wanting to sleep all day and feeling sluggish, and being happy and feeling like I can conquer the world.  

This journey is everything to me. It’s my journey to self and to seeing what I can achieve when I really try. The changes in my body are from my own hard work and the determination that comes from within me. This is all just for me. Health is a gift to me from me. It’s the best gift I’ve ever recieved.