It’s been a while since my last post because I honestly just didn’t know what to write. My level of motivation has once again plummeted but I haven’t taken two rest days in a row, like I would have before. My workouts aren’t as full scale as they were but I’m trying to at least fit in a small workout on days I don’t feel up to it. I’m struggling with the balance between physical and mental health again a little bit. When I’m sad I don’t want to workout and I don’t want to feed my body properly. Despite that, I haven’t given in to it. It’s much easier for me to get down in myself when I’m sad and my instinct is still to pick apart my body when things aren’t going right. That scares me. This body is strong and it has the capacity to grow life. So why do I care so much just because I don’t have visible abs yet? I’m trying my best and that’s all I can do with anything.
When I feel restless I fall out of my routine and I’ve been out of it over a week now. I’ve been sleeping late and waking up early and my body isn’t fit for it. Food wise, I’ve been having a few too many treats but I’ve been as balanced as possible. Balance. Such a strange word. Balance is something I lack in almost every area of my life. I go from one extreme to the next and I have a tough time controlling that. My emotions are too heavy for me to handle at times and of course, that throws me off balance. My life is divided into sections and while one is thriving, another could be in ruins. It feels like too much trying to keep the ball rolling in every part so sometimes parts suffer. I’m not good at everything. Actually, I am quite bad at most things. The simplest things to most people are the hardest for me. My social skills are getting better because of my job but when I’m home, I don’t really have friends. If I don’t make the effort, no effort is made with me so I’m trying to be okay with that.
It’s hard to have friends when you spend most of every day just trying to find yourself. When you’re just trying to stay true to who you are. I spend time getting to understand myself and I still don’t so why am I surprised that other people can’t? Another problem is that the people who knew me a year ago don’t necessarily know me anymore. I’ve changed so much in the past few months, but I guess fundamentally I’m still the same. My goals for this month seem harder and harder to achieve with each passing day and my goals for this year as a whole are upsetting me. Some of them just aren’t in my reach. I should have made more realistic goals. I can do better next month, I hope.