Mental Health is the One True Wealth

A Princess and her Journey to Health

Month: June, 2015

Gluten Free isn’t for Me

In my last post I talked about how I’d decided to go gluten-free and see how that might help my stomach. Well, it did help for maybe two weeks. It could be from the lack of gluten in my diet, or it simply could have been from the lack of food I was eating. It was beyond difficult to cut gluten out completely! I like to eat. Correction, I love to eat. It’s only of my only talents, if we’re being honest. The whole gluten free thing was great for maybe five days, until the hunger kicked in. In between meals, starvation kicked in and chaos entered my life. This girl isn’t so great when she’s hungry. You could perhaps compare me when I’m hungry to what happens gremlins when you feed them, except in my case it’s when you don’t feed me.  

 

Cute and chill when I’m fed,

 
Gonna eat everything ya got in this house when I’m hungry. 

So what I’m trying to say is, I’m not about that hungry life. I struggled through my eating disorder. I’ve done my time with hunger and I’m never going back there. I do not miss the hunger pains, dizzy spells or the tiredness. Oh, and there’s also the joys of being forever freezing. My stomach wouldn’t even be so messed up if not for my eating disorder. I’m still angry at myself for the damage I’ve caused to my body. I’m still not over that quite yet. I just have to remind myself that it wasn’t a lapse in judgement and it wasn’t a choice to begin with. It’s something that happened and now it’s over and I am strong and I will be fine. I can’t fully comprehend how it happened though. How it went on for so long, how I felt trapped, how I was scared of food. Once you’re on the other side of it, I suppose that’s only when you can see how truly ridiculous it is. Life is beautiful, being alive is beautiful, freedom to eat and do what you like is beautiful. There is enough in life to hold you back, don’t not let yourself add to that. 

Food makes me happy. I’m not buying into everything that tells me that to be happy I have to be skinny. Why are people still trying to sell that? Why do we believe them? It’s only when I take a step back that I can look at this, what society is telling young girls, what the media is forcing on us, and say that it’s bullshit. I’m calling them on their bullshit. I can be beautiful at any size, any race, any way. It’s not for somebody else to decide. Some of my favourite people are strong women who raise up other women. Who stand up for girls of every body shape. For months I’ve been following Diana and Barbara on IG. If you don’t know who they are, check them out @mynamesdiana and @barbienox. These girls are killing it. They’re owning their bodies and changing the whole game. Because they’re showing that size 0 isn’t a necessity to be beautiful. Not only are they stunning, they’re educating. Teaching that it’s okay to love yourself, no matter what. Honestly, just go follow that. I’ve learned so much self acceptance and self love through them. I wish self love on everyone. Go do you, boo.

   

 

Working through IntoleranceĀ 

This past week I’ve been trying really hard to eat gluten-free because I found out the stomach cramps I get after eating almost everything could be caused by an intolerance. With a mixture of drinking green tea and eating gluten-free, I’ve seen and felt a huge change. I have had a stomach ache all week and my abs are showing through more because I’m not bloating. While I’m ecstatic that my pains are now gone, I’m also having a hard time. I’m a self confessed carb monster. Carbs are my favourite. Pasta, bread, you name it, I’ll eat it! I’m getting easily frustrated because of what I can and can’t eat. Gluten is in a whole lot of food that I love. Eating’s becoming so much hassle between looking at labels and trying to figure out what I can cook for myself. I’m starving in between meals because I’m trying to be careful. I’m in a low place right now, mood wise. I love eating and it feels like a lot of the joy is gone out of it now. I’m 100% a fatty at heart and that fat girl inside me is yearning for pasteries and pie. 

My goal this week is to dive into research about gluten-intolerance and learn what foods are okay for me to eat. I hope I find many. I’m gonna start trying to cook better for myself and hopefully I’ll learn to just accept this and grow with it. It’s another little hurdle placed in front of me but I think I’ll get over it. I’ve gotten over worse. I’ve always had a slight reaction to milk too and I’ve been on soya but for the sake of my sanity, I think I’m going back to good ol’ dairy. It’s either that, or live off dust! I’ve been especially irratible the past three days because I’m frustrated with food but I’m gonna take a step back and figure this out. Any of you lovely people reading this with experience with gluten intolerance, your advice/recipes would be greatly appreciated!

In other news, I’m starting week for of The Bikini Body guide and I’m loving it. Already I feel myself getting stronger. Three months ago I couldn’t even do one proper push-up, now I can do a workout with 30 included! Progress is progress no matter how small and I for one, am proud of myself. My baby abs are shining through and I’m losing inches. The guides are very cardio based in my opinion so I’m still incorporating some Blogilates because I don’t want to lose muscle! The way the workouts are laid out suits me so well and I think since I’ve started I’ve made more progress than the months of blogilates I was doing because the resting and stretching is making me more into it. Rest is really important for me! I’ll keep you all posted in coming weeks and I may even attach a progress pic! 

 

My Growth Game is Strong

I’ve been too lazy to post for the past few weeks and a lot of the time, I find myself at a loss for what to actually write a post about. I can’t just write, I need to find something worth writing about. So this one is about food(big surprise there!) and also, about personal growth and self improvement.

My fitness journey has had bumps along the way, I’ve given up on several occasions. I’ve lost my drive because I couldn’t see results fast enough. I’ve gotten frustrated because my goal body seemed so far out of my reach, I couldn’t bear it. But I took a step back. I realised, I’m not in competition with anyone else. These changes I’m making, the work I’m putting in, it’s all for myself. And, I’m proud. I’m proud of how I’ve pushed myself and finally learned my limits. Calorie counting is gone. The fear and anxiety that came with eating out is gone. In my last post I wrote about how difficult it was for me to spend time outside of my home with people because my eating habits differed and I was scared to eat anything that wasn’t following my healthy eating guidelines. That has slowly faded now too. I choose to have my yolo meals on those days and I allow myself treats. Food isn’t allowed control in my life anymore. I can have friends and I can have fitness, it’s just about the balance

I don’t have a goal weight. I don’t even have a goal body. I’m honestly just enjoying seeing the changes in this body of mine. This little body that keeps my heart beating and air in my lungs, I’ve learned to love and accept it. I hurt my body for far too long. I was unkind, I mistreated myself. Now, I’m different. Nourish, not punish. I’m all about the food. Healthy food, not so healthy food, in general, FOOD. A new girl at my work recently said to me that for a small person, I can eat a lot. Damn right. I’m not the kinda girl you take on a date that’s gonna order a salad. Unless that salad comes as a side to a giant bowl of pasta or something…I love pasta. Yum. 

I’m not who I was last summer. I’m happy about that. I’m not controlled by food. I don’t need naps every day. I don’t get horrible hunger pains. Food is not constantly on my mind. My hair doesn’t fall out, I’m not cold all the time. I’ve grown. I’m better. I’m strong now. Ive learned how to be myself, I know what I like and what was just ed behaviour. I can tell the difference now. Recovery was possibly one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through, and my life has been no picnic,excluding the eating disorder. But I feel so much stronger having got through it. This little body of mine is going to continue to work and keep me a alive and in return, I promise to take care of it. My butt is going to college in September and I’m leaving all the bad stuff behind. The only way from here is up. To those who stuck by me throughout the good and the bad, you’ll always have a special place in my heart šŸ’—