This summer in Ireland is the hottest in my memory and I’m not coping with it all that well. As a fair skinned gal, let me tell you, I am melting. My skin has turned from blinding ivory to a beautiful shade of off-white. I don’t tan. I’ve barely left my house which has been providing protection from the sun and heat which means I’ve had plenty of time for thinking.
I moved out of my home house about 3 years ago and for the first time since then, I’m living back home again. So much has changed and yet, so much is the same. Last time I lived here, I knew nothing about life. I was sick and I was naïve. I’ve been out in the world now, I’ve been to college, I’ve worked, I’ve met my soulmate, I’ve dealt with an over-whelming loss. 2017 was by far the toughest year of my life, for myself and my family. I’ve experienced losing a family member, my great gran in 2016. We weren’t that close, I was sad and I’m an empath so I felt that pain in my family. Last year messed me up though. In all the time since my recovery this was the biggest hurdle I had to overcome. I lost my young cousin to suicide. I didn’t see it coming and it knocked the breath out of me. Collectively, my family were in shreds. So heart-breaking and so life-changing. I went into my familiar dark place for months. Piled on weight without even noticing, cried regularly. Couldn’t even speak about it.
I’m in a new space now where my heart still breaks to think about it, it’s still so fresh, but I know that life does not stop to allow you time to come to grips with these things. I have taken back control of my life and I’m looking for the goodness. Soon I’ll have my own home again, I have a wonderful boyfriend who would move heaven and earth for me. I’ve removed the one toxic influence from my life. Death has taught me how short life is and I won’t accept negativity anymore. I’ve learned to stand up for myself (without crying afterward). There’s a new strength I’ve found.
After 3 years I’m still struggling with body image, but all ED behaviours have been destroyed. I’ve joined Slimming World, I’m losing weight again and I’m becoming happier. I’m 8 weeks in and I’ve already made so many changes to my life. It’s been exactly what I needed and I’m going to keep it up. There’s no better feeling than peace in your own body and mind. It feels like summer 2015 again. Where I felt light and happy, like the world was full of possibility. I’m starting to make plans again. Plans for a future I so hope for and plans for a life that I didn’t even imagine before. Getting through the darkness makes you that much more grateful for the light. I feel like after the past couple of years I’ve had, I can get through anything.