Mental Health is the One True Wealth

A Princess and her Journey to Health

Category: Eating disorder recovery, recovery

The Joys of Eating

for the first time in maybe three years, I am actually looking forward to Easter. This year so far, I already have two chocolate eggs. Two. Last year, I only managed to have one little kids egg because of course I was terrified of the calories. I was scared to eat an Easter egg in case it made me fat. I know that one Easter egg won’t make me fat. I don’t even think two will. I’m just excited and happy to have that anxiety related to food gone from my life. I feel free. Having an eating disorder, I feel like I missed out on so much. In my family and even with my friends, a lot of celebrations and events are centred around food and not feeling able to take part makes you so isolated. It made me angry at myself and the people around me when there was food I felt I couldn’t eat. That’s gone and I’m happier, more relaxed.

It got to a point where I was scared to visit my family and friends because I might have to eat at their homes which meant I wouldn’t have control over the types of food I was eating. At home I eat much healthier than if I go out. I’d like to say that that fear is gone but it isn’t, not completely. I get scared spending a day outside of my house could lead to a day long binge. And if my best friend is reading this, this is my explanation for bringing over random food to your house for lunch. I can’t help it, my brain still tortures me sometimes. I want to be a normal person that can eat just anything but it just isn’t how I work anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I want to eat the same as you but it isn’t possible for me. I love chocolate and I love cake, ice cream, biscuits, take away food, but I just can’t eat them as much as I want and that’s because I know my body. I know how my body stores fat and I know my metabolism is as slow as a snail. So that’s just not the life for me. When people say that all girls want is the perfect guy, that is so wrong. I basically want to eat everything and not gain weight. That would be so great.

I’ve come a long way with my recovery even since the summer. The past few months in particular have shaped me into a better version of myself and I can’t explain why. I just feel like even when I thought I was completely okay and I had myself together, I’ve progressed even from that stage. My outlook has changed on a lot. I don’t see myself as a body anymore. I don’t compare myself to other people. I’m happy enough just making my own goals and pushing myself to be my best. And that’s okay. That’s all I need. I hope that I can stick to how things are right now because everything is going fine. I don’t spend as much time with my bestie as I’d like but that can be fixed. There is room for improvement in one or two aspects of my life but right now, I’m content.  

 

The Next Step

it seems like the months have just flown by since Christmas and I’m getting nervous and excited. College is fast approaching and I’m just not ready. On one hand, I’m so ready to try living independently and having that freedom to see if I can handle living away from home. On the other hand, I’m leaving my home town and all my family and friends to go to Dublin, where I don’t know anybody. It’s gonna be such a big step for me and honestly, I’m a little scared. I’ve come along way in a year and some days I really wish I were in college right now and I feel like maybe I got left behind. I’m anxious to get there and do well. I don’t want it to be like my final exams all over again. I don’t want to get in the way of myself like I did with those. I know I can be great if I try and I want this so bad but my emotions stunt my growth sometimes and that scares me. It’s like I trip over myself and I’m tired of that happening. I want to be great.

Im terrified I don’t get into the course I want. I don’t have a back up plan and I know, I should have, but what if all I want is that one thing? It is all I want and it’s out of my hands now. It’s kinda up to fate now whether or not I get it. I hope I do, I really hope. Maybe next year I’ll be more motivated all round to be better and be the best version of myself. My workouts aren’t as fun as they once were and with college and saving, paying for gym membership just isn’t very high on the list of priorities right now. But I would love a personal trainer and gym membership. Someone to whip my ass into shape when I’m not pushing myself as hard as I can. I’m really considering buying the Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guide. If any of you have any feedback on those, I’d love to hear so drop me a comment. I’ve seen such amazing progress pics but I’d love to get a better idea of what the programme is like.

I’m settling back into my normal schedule and treated myself to some full body pampering for the first time in ages. I don’t know but having smooth legs makes me feel fab! I’m not eating as healthy as I was a few weeks ago but I’ll get back into it. My chocolate cravings are a little crazy! But I’m fighting against them. Getting serious about making those changes. I’ll keep you all posted.

  

Getting back on the Wagon

My workout schedule just came to an abrupt stop the past two weeks. I’ve been working 3 days a week instead of just the one and on the days I don’t have ridiculously long shifts at work, I just don’t feel like doing much of anything. The plan is to start over again today and typical Irish weather is messing with my plans. Of course it would be sunny all weekend while I was in work and then when I finally have a day to enjoy it, it would have to be raining again! Just my luck. Besides that I intend to do a leg workout from the Blogilates app.

Despite not having been exercising and eating, well, everything, my body seems to be holding up okay. I still see my little ab line that I’m so proud of, and also my work trousers seem to be getting much looser without me doing that much. Maybe spending over eight hours a day on your feet has some perks! Today is the day I get up and put my big girl panties back on. This isn’t all about me and there are just some things I have to accept that I can’t fix or change because that’s what gets me down. I hate feeling useless. In some scenarios though, that’s exactly what I am. 

I’m ready to stop the crying and feeling sorry for myself. I still have sadness in my heart but it’s not for myself. There isn’t anything wrong with me besides the fact that I often misinterprete problems with situations I find myself in, with my own personal issues. Of course I didn’t come to this conclusion on my own. I didn’t see clearly at all. He fixed it like he always does. Maybe just one last time. Time to get up, fuel up and get out today. I’m ready to start feeling healthy and fit again! 

  

Throwback Thursay

Throwback to when you said you loved me and you meant it. When you said that you’ll always be here for me. To when you promised I was the only girl for you. Throwback to when you were my person and I was yours. To when I was happy, to when I had forgotten how it felt to be this sad.

They keep saying it will get better with time, I know it won’t. I can never forget you. It hurts every time I think about you because it’s like a punch in the fucking heart. I have been out of my house so much just to get away from my room where I spent hours talking to you and where I can do nothing but think of you. I want to tell you something when It happens and I remember I can’t and again, it’s like a kick in the chest. You’re gone. You are not coming back because you simply do not care. I know this. At least, I think I know this, and still, I miss you.

For a while today I saw my favourite little guy. He was so happy. His laugh can fill up a room and his smile is just sunshine. He was running up the hill ahead of me and he kept on stopping just to laugh. It reminded me that there are still some good things left in this life. It reminded me that there is still innocence and happiness. For those few minutes, he made me smile. Actually smile. His childish ignorance was infectious. 



People keep telling me this will get better, that I won’t feel this way forever. But they don’t know. How it felt to be with you. How it felt to love you. It was like an eternal summer. I love you and at the same time, I think I hate you. Because my pain is turning to poetry in my head and I feel tragic. You make me write and my minutes not writing are spent allowing beautiful words to flow through me and I have to write them into my journal. I love words and I love to write but not like this. Not when it’s the only thing that’s keeping the words and the thoughts from overwhelming me. 

I’m waiting to got to college. To be a teacher, maybe. You see I love to write and hell, I know I’ll never make it as a writer, but what if it’s the only thing that’s holding me together? Do I have a choice? 

I’m still looking. For you. But it’s almost impossible. What I have depends purely on whether or not you were being honest for once. I possibly have your name. No surname, no address, no picture. I hate myself for being so naive. It’s sickening. What an easy target for this I was. You did tell me never trust anyone I met on the Internet and you’re right, I shouldn’t have. You built me and you broke me just as easily. And I’m bitter and angry. Because you’re supposed to know me and understand me and get me. You were supposed to be helping me when the world was cruel to me but now you’re just part of what’s causing the pain. I can’t get over that. How my baby could do this to me. Maybe I just never really was the princess. But now, I will be the Queen and I won’t ever depend on another person for my happiness again. I think I had the right idea when I pushed people away from me. Maybe it was never to stop them being hurt. Maybe I am more selfish than I ever thought. Perhaps it’s just safer not to let people close enough to hurt you. I don’t have it in me to be the source of my own happiness. Not yet, at least.

I need to get out and find the beauty in the world again. I’ve lost it. There’s a partial eclipse tomorrow. I feel like that could change things. I can only imagine how beautiful and magic it will be. I look forward to it.



Eat to Grow

One of the main differences in myself that really only hit me a minute ago, is my thought process surrounding food. I used to stick to around 1,200 calories a day and if I exercised, it was a bonus because I got to work off some of those. So most days my body was in starvation mode. I’ve since stopped counting calories unless I feel as if they’re low. So earlier I did a quick review of what I’ve eaten today and got so excited because I have so many calories to make up. I got excited. And I’ll work out later so score, even more food. 

Food is fuel and my new motto is eat to grow. I won’t ever let my body be in starvation mode again. I don’t want to be skinny and I don’t want a thigh gap. I don’t want to feel tired or have dry, damaged hair from bad nutrition. I’m in love with the idea of being strong and healthy. There’s this feeling of being solid and invincible that comes with working out and bettering yourself. That feeling keeps me going and it makes me feel like me. 

I fell off the path in my fitness journey for a while but I got back up and I’ve started again. The ache in my muscles after a hard workout and the pushing of my boundaries mentally and physically is invigorating. It makes me so happy and I don’t think a lot of my friends and family understand that.

This isn’t about losing weight. It isn’t about hating my body and wanting to change it, it’s quite the opposite. This is loving my body enough to want to make it healthy and strong, pushing myself to get better and fuelling my body correctly. Chocolate bar? No thanks, give me something full of protein. Proper nutrition is important to me because it’s the difference between wanting to sleep all day and feeling sluggish, and being happy and feeling like I can conquer the world.  

This journey is everything to me. It’s my journey to self and to seeing what I can achieve when I really try. The changes in my body are from my own hard work and the determination that comes from within me. This is all just for me. Health is a gift to me from me. It’s the best gift I’ve ever recieved.