for the first time in maybe three years, I am actually looking forward to Easter. This year so far, I already have two chocolate eggs. Two. Last year, I only managed to have one little kids egg because of course I was terrified of the calories. I was scared to eat an Easter egg in case it made me fat. I know that one Easter egg won’t make me fat. I don’t even think two will. I’m just excited and happy to have that anxiety related to food gone from my life. I feel free. Having an eating disorder, I feel like I missed out on so much. In my family and even with my friends, a lot of celebrations and events are centred around food and not feeling able to take part makes you so isolated. It made me angry at myself and the people around me when there was food I felt I couldn’t eat. That’s gone and I’m happier, more relaxed.
It got to a point where I was scared to visit my family and friends because I might have to eat at their homes which meant I wouldn’t have control over the types of food I was eating. At home I eat much healthier than if I go out. I’d like to say that that fear is gone but it isn’t, not completely. I get scared spending a day outside of my house could lead to a day long binge. And if my best friend is reading this, this is my explanation for bringing over random food to your house for lunch. I can’t help it, my brain still tortures me sometimes. I want to be a normal person that can eat just anything but it just isn’t how I work anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I want to eat the same as you but it isn’t possible for me. I love chocolate and I love cake, ice cream, biscuits, take away food, but I just can’t eat them as much as I want and that’s because I know my body. I know how my body stores fat and I know my metabolism is as slow as a snail. So that’s just not the life for me. When people say that all girls want is the perfect guy, that is so wrong. I basically want to eat everything and not gain weight. That would be so great.
I’ve come a long way with my recovery even since the summer. The past few months in particular have shaped me into a better version of myself and I can’t explain why. I just feel like even when I thought I was completely okay and I had myself together, I’ve progressed even from that stage. My outlook has changed on a lot. I don’t see myself as a body anymore. I don’t compare myself to other people. I’m happy enough just making my own goals and pushing myself to be my best. And that’s okay. That’s all I need. I hope that I can stick to how things are right now because everything is going fine. I don’t spend as much time with my bestie as I’d like but that can be fixed. There is room for improvement in one or two aspects of my life but right now, I’m content.