Mental Health is the One True Wealth

A Princess and her Journey to Health

Category: Happiness, healthy, fitness, healthy living, lifestyle, wellbeing, mental healthy

The Art of Getting Back Up

Last time you heard from me I’d just started college. Something I’d been looking forward to for long but that turned out not to be everything I hoped for.

My course wasn’t right for me. At sixteen, studying English and history where I did would have been a dream come true. At sixteen, I was not the person I am now. Somewhere along the line I forgot to factor in the level of personal growth I had obtained. I forgot about the challenges I faced and I forgot to fully comprehend that I am no longer the same person I was. During my school days I hated physical education. It was a challenge for me, it was not something I looked forward to. Understandable for an overweight, unfit kid! But early into my eating disorder recovery I found working out. I first discovered a liking for it because of Blogilates, Cassey Ho’s YouTube fitness channel. I worked out alongside her on my iPad most evenings and I found that it was actually something I enjoyed doing. I think I stuck with her for a year and a half before I started seeing all these amazing progress pictures on Instagram coming from the BBG community. Almost a year ago now I purchased the Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guide and it was the best decision of my life.


Frumpy and sad in February⬆️

The whole community changed my life. These women are so positive and inspirational, always wanting you to be the best version of yourself. Kayla changed my life. I’ve been getting fitter, stronger, falling in love with the process of self improvement. I’m currently just finishing up week 9 of the guides, and yes, I made it to this point last time I attempted this but I’m sticking to it this time! College made me fall off the wagon with working out. I lost all my progress in a few weeks. I was deeply unhappy in what I was doing. My workouts where my only joy during that time and the stress made me give them to too.

In March I decided to change. I couldn’t continue on with that course for three more years. But then, what would I do? Simple. What I love. Working out, hopefully inspiring my love in other people. So fingers crossed, as of September I will be a training personal trainer! The course I found is perfect for me with a mix of nutrition studies and physical training. I’ve been feeling down on myself lately, not losing inches fast enough, not getting toned fast enough. I lost my belief in the process and I need to get that back. This is not the end, so I still have time to keep at it and get the body I want. I’m excited for what’s next!


“Just because you took longer than others doesn’t mean you failed.”

Why can’t I recover?

theres very little that upsets me more than eating disorders. More specifically, people who have spent years as slaves to their eating disorder. So how do you recover? What separates the strong from the weak? The people who stay stuck to the people who recover? In my opinion, it’s self belief. It’s wanting to be healthy bad enough. It’s a change in mind set and it’s finding a strength within yourself. Having an eating disorder is easy. Now hold on a second. I don’t mean like that. It breaks your body down and it’s psychologically torturous but I mean in a competition between recovery and staying disordered, the latter is the easiest option.

Recovery is tough work. It demands 100% commitment. You either succeed or you literally die trying. You can’t wean yourself off of eating disorders. You can’t just be like, okay so today I’ll only purge 5 times. Nope. You just have to stop. It is terrifying. It is difficult. It is an internal struggle. But you just have to bite the bullet and do it. There is no easy road when it comes to recovery. You can be weak and simply accept that this is your lot in life. Be complacent in it, but darling, you’re not gonna get anywhere fast. You’ve got to fight it. You’ve got to kick ass and be strong and find that self that your eating disorder repressed. You’ve got to be in charge.

You will cry. It will be horrific. At times, you are going to want to give up. Along the way, you probably will feel disgusted with yourself. You’ll be horrified to see how your body starts filling out. But it’s just your soul having more space to shine from. You’ll grow into yourself and it won’t be ugly. It will be so beautiful. You’ll be beautiful. The most beautiful thing you can be is healthy. You deserve it. You deserve a life that is not confined to calories and numbers and food. You deserve to feel powerful and sexy and goddess-like. Recovery allows you to grow into yourself. You should own the space you fill, not feel ashamed of it. Confidence is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Confidence is what I wish on all of you throughout your whole life. Self-love is really beautiful too. Treat yourself as well as Leslie treats Ann. 

  

Gluten Free isn’t for Me

In my last post I talked about how I’d decided to go gluten-free and see how that might help my stomach. Well, it did help for maybe two weeks. It could be from the lack of gluten in my diet, or it simply could have been from the lack of food I was eating. It was beyond difficult to cut gluten out completely! I like to eat. Correction, I love to eat. It’s only of my only talents, if we’re being honest. The whole gluten free thing was great for maybe five days, until the hunger kicked in. In between meals, starvation kicked in and chaos entered my life. This girl isn’t so great when she’s hungry. You could perhaps compare me when I’m hungry to what happens gremlins when you feed them, except in my case it’s when you don’t feed me.  

 

Cute and chill when I’m fed,

 
Gonna eat everything ya got in this house when I’m hungry. 

So what I’m trying to say is, I’m not about that hungry life. I struggled through my eating disorder. I’ve done my time with hunger and I’m never going back there. I do not miss the hunger pains, dizzy spells or the tiredness. Oh, and there’s also the joys of being forever freezing. My stomach wouldn’t even be so messed up if not for my eating disorder. I’m still angry at myself for the damage I’ve caused to my body. I’m still not over that quite yet. I just have to remind myself that it wasn’t a lapse in judgement and it wasn’t a choice to begin with. It’s something that happened and now it’s over and I am strong and I will be fine. I can’t fully comprehend how it happened though. How it went on for so long, how I felt trapped, how I was scared of food. Once you’re on the other side of it, I suppose that’s only when you can see how truly ridiculous it is. Life is beautiful, being alive is beautiful, freedom to eat and do what you like is beautiful. There is enough in life to hold you back, don’t not let yourself add to that. 

Food makes me happy. I’m not buying into everything that tells me that to be happy I have to be skinny. Why are people still trying to sell that? Why do we believe them? It’s only when I take a step back that I can look at this, what society is telling young girls, what the media is forcing on us, and say that it’s bullshit. I’m calling them on their bullshit. I can be beautiful at any size, any race, any way. It’s not for somebody else to decide. Some of my favourite people are strong women who raise up other women. Who stand up for girls of every body shape. For months I’ve been following Diana and Barbara on IG. If you don’t know who they are, check them out @mynamesdiana and @barbienox. These girls are killing it. They’re owning their bodies and changing the whole game. Because they’re showing that size 0 isn’t a necessity to be beautiful. Not only are they stunning, they’re educating. Teaching that it’s okay to love yourself, no matter what. Honestly, just go follow that. I’ve learned so much self acceptance and self love through them. I wish self love on everyone. Go do you, boo.

   

 

Working through Intolerance 

This past week I’ve been trying really hard to eat gluten-free because I found out the stomach cramps I get after eating almost everything could be caused by an intolerance. With a mixture of drinking green tea and eating gluten-free, I’ve seen and felt a huge change. I have had a stomach ache all week and my abs are showing through more because I’m not bloating. While I’m ecstatic that my pains are now gone, I’m also having a hard time. I’m a self confessed carb monster. Carbs are my favourite. Pasta, bread, you name it, I’ll eat it! I’m getting easily frustrated because of what I can and can’t eat. Gluten is in a whole lot of food that I love. Eating’s becoming so much hassle between looking at labels and trying to figure out what I can cook for myself. I’m starving in between meals because I’m trying to be careful. I’m in a low place right now, mood wise. I love eating and it feels like a lot of the joy is gone out of it now. I’m 100% a fatty at heart and that fat girl inside me is yearning for pasteries and pie. 

My goal this week is to dive into research about gluten-intolerance and learn what foods are okay for me to eat. I hope I find many. I’m gonna start trying to cook better for myself and hopefully I’ll learn to just accept this and grow with it. It’s another little hurdle placed in front of me but I think I’ll get over it. I’ve gotten over worse. I’ve always had a slight reaction to milk too and I’ve been on soya but for the sake of my sanity, I think I’m going back to good ol’ dairy. It’s either that, or live off dust! I’ve been especially irratible the past three days because I’m frustrated with food but I’m gonna take a step back and figure this out. Any of you lovely people reading this with experience with gluten intolerance, your advice/recipes would be greatly appreciated!

In other news, I’m starting week for of The Bikini Body guide and I’m loving it. Already I feel myself getting stronger. Three months ago I couldn’t even do one proper push-up, now I can do a workout with 30 included! Progress is progress no matter how small and I for one, am proud of myself. My baby abs are shining through and I’m losing inches. The guides are very cardio based in my opinion so I’m still incorporating some Blogilates because I don’t want to lose muscle! The way the workouts are laid out suits me so well and I think since I’ve started I’ve made more progress than the months of blogilates I was doing because the resting and stretching is making me more into it. Rest is really important for me! I’ll keep you all posted in coming weeks and I may even attach a progress pic! 

 

My Growth Game is Strong

I’ve been too lazy to post for the past few weeks and a lot of the time, I find myself at a loss for what to actually write a post about. I can’t just write, I need to find something worth writing about. So this one is about food(big surprise there!) and also, about personal growth and self improvement.

My fitness journey has had bumps along the way, I’ve given up on several occasions. I’ve lost my drive because I couldn’t see results fast enough. I’ve gotten frustrated because my goal body seemed so far out of my reach, I couldn’t bear it. But I took a step back. I realised, I’m not in competition with anyone else. These changes I’m making, the work I’m putting in, it’s all for myself. And, I’m proud. I’m proud of how I’ve pushed myself and finally learned my limits. Calorie counting is gone. The fear and anxiety that came with eating out is gone. In my last post I wrote about how difficult it was for me to spend time outside of my home with people because my eating habits differed and I was scared to eat anything that wasn’t following my healthy eating guidelines. That has slowly faded now too. I choose to have my yolo meals on those days and I allow myself treats. Food isn’t allowed control in my life anymore. I can have friends and I can have fitness, it’s just about the balance

I don’t have a goal weight. I don’t even have a goal body. I’m honestly just enjoying seeing the changes in this body of mine. This little body that keeps my heart beating and air in my lungs, I’ve learned to love and accept it. I hurt my body for far too long. I was unkind, I mistreated myself. Now, I’m different. Nourish, not punish. I’m all about the food. Healthy food, not so healthy food, in general, FOOD. A new girl at my work recently said to me that for a small person, I can eat a lot. Damn right. I’m not the kinda girl you take on a date that’s gonna order a salad. Unless that salad comes as a side to a giant bowl of pasta or something…I love pasta. Yum. 

I’m not who I was last summer. I’m happy about that. I’m not controlled by food. I don’t need naps every day. I don’t get horrible hunger pains. Food is not constantly on my mind. My hair doesn’t fall out, I’m not cold all the time. I’ve grown. I’m better. I’m strong now. Ive learned how to be myself, I know what I like and what was just ed behaviour. I can tell the difference now. Recovery was possibly one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through, and my life has been no picnic,excluding the eating disorder. But I feel so much stronger having got through it. This little body of mine is going to continue to work and keep me a alive and in return, I promise to take care of it. My butt is going to college in September and I’m leaving all the bad stuff behind. The only way from here is up. To those who stuck by me throughout the good and the bad, you’ll always have a special place in my heart 💗 

  

Life Update

It’s been a while since my last post because I honestly just didn’t know what to write. My level of motivation has once again plummeted but I haven’t taken two rest days in a row, like I would have before. My workouts aren’t as full scale as they were but I’m trying to at least fit in a small workout on days I don’t feel up to it. I’m struggling with the balance between physical and mental health again a little bit. When I’m sad I don’t want to workout and I don’t want to feed my body properly. Despite that, I haven’t given in to it. It’s much easier for me to get down in myself when I’m sad and my instinct is still to pick apart my body when things aren’t going right. That scares me. This body is strong and it has the capacity to grow life. So why do I care so much just because I don’t have visible abs yet? I’m trying my best and that’s all I can do with anything.

When I feel restless I fall out of my routine and I’ve been out of it over a week now. I’ve been sleeping late and waking up early and my body isn’t fit for it.  Food wise, I’ve been having a few too many treats but I’ve been as balanced as possible. Balance. Such a strange word. Balance is something I lack in almost every area of my life. I go from one extreme to the next and I have a tough time controlling that. My emotions are too heavy for me to handle at times and of course, that throws me off balance. My life is divided into sections and while one is thriving, another could be in ruins. It feels like too much trying to keep the ball rolling in every part so sometimes parts suffer. I’m not good at everything. Actually, I am quite bad at most things. The simplest things to most people are the hardest for me. My social skills are getting better because of my job but when I’m home, I don’t really have friends. If I don’t make the effort, no effort is made with me so I’m trying to be okay with that. 

It’s hard to have friends when you spend most of every day just trying to find yourself. When you’re just trying to stay true to who you are. I spend time getting to understand myself and I still don’t so why am I surprised that other people can’t? Another problem is that the people who knew me a year ago don’t necessarily know me anymore. I’ve changed so much in the past few months, but I guess fundamentally I’m still the same. My goals for this month seem harder and harder to achieve with each passing day and my goals for this year as a whole are upsetting me. Some of them just aren’t in my reach. I should have made more realistic goals. I can do better next month, I hope. 

 

The Struggle with Numbers

My fitness journey so far is going well, despite a few bumps in the road. Last week I got a bit down in myself because I got caught up in numbers like inches and kilograms (not a good idea for someone who’s battled and eating disorder). Thankfully, my attitude towards food completely turned around and I’m probably eating now more than ever, while being at my best physically and mentally. The measurements of weight and mass don’t matter much, I’ve decided. I can clearly see I’m making changes and my hard work is paying off, just a little slower than I would like.

This is my first attempt at getting fit and healthy properly. I’m putting in the work for results whereas before I would have been prone to go for quick fixes. The thing with these things, diets, skinny teas and body wraps, is that they’re temporary solutions. Nothing is going to change your body like a healthy diet and exercise. It actually annoys me to see how many celebrities they have endorsing these skinny teas that supposedly help you lose weight. I’ve seen both men and women such as Ashley Benson from Pretty Little Liars and Gossip Girl’s Ed Westwick advertising this product on Instagram. It upsets me that their teenage followers are seeing this product and buying in in the hopes of losing weight. All you’ll lose by using these teas is water weight and trust me, that won’t be long coming back, so do yourself a favour and save your money. Get out and go for a run instead!

Honestly, some days I hate working out. I have to drag myself to get it done and I don’t always give 100%, but I’m proud of myself that I haven’t given up yet. I’m on week 4 of the Blogilates April calendar and I’ve recently restarted the 30 Day Squat Challenge. I’m still considering starting Kayla’s Bikini Body Guide next month, just to see what it’s like. It’s much harder to fit in working out this weekend with work but I’m somehow managing. I have a feeling I’m gonna burn out tomorrow though! 

This coming week my goals are to focus on eating good, nutritious food, giving my workouts my all and hopefully, seeing my little ab line get longer. Wish me luck! 

 

Breaking my Record 

I’ve been continuously following the Blogilates April calendar for the past two and a half weeks now and I already see huge progress in myself. I’m losing inches, getting more toned and my butt is definitely looking better. That’s just the physical aspects of it. Working out has helped improve my mood, my body image and really, I’ve just been happy and determined the last while. I feel good in myself.

I’m one of those people who scrolls through pictures of really fit, healthy, beautiful girls and I want to be like them, but up until recently I wasn’t taking any steps to improve myself. It’s honestly been hard work and I’ve had to push myself because I can be quite lazy, but these small changes I’m seeing in my body are what’s keeping me determined. For once, I’m not gonna give up on this. I want a big butt and a little waist and I want toned arms, so I’m going to work for it. I didn’t mention smaller thighs because mine are kinda chunky and I believe thick thighs save lives.

The one thing I’m struggling with right now is eating though. The last three days, I’ve been constantly hungry and I’ve been eating so much food. This would have scared me before but now I know what my body needs and if I’m hungry, I am definitely eating. I’m just not exactly sure of what kinds of food will keep me fuller for longer. If you have any suggestions please leave them below, it would really help! 

I tried avocado last week and it just wasn’t for me. The taste, the smell, the texture. Everything about it made me feel ill. I don’t know how anyone eats it! The only way I’m eating it is if it’s guacamole.  Mmm guacamole. I love guacamole. I haven’t been eating clean and I doubt I ever will. It’s just not for me. I can go without chocolate, soft drinks and crisps but sometimes, I just need food that’s really bad for me. Like Chinese food. But that’s just me. If you can eat clean, good for you! 

I’m excited to see where I’ll be this time next month. I feel like my fitness journey is finally in full swing and I love these changes! 

 

The Joys of Eating

for the first time in maybe three years, I am actually looking forward to Easter. This year so far, I already have two chocolate eggs. Two. Last year, I only managed to have one little kids egg because of course I was terrified of the calories. I was scared to eat an Easter egg in case it made me fat. I know that one Easter egg won’t make me fat. I don’t even think two will. I’m just excited and happy to have that anxiety related to food gone from my life. I feel free. Having an eating disorder, I feel like I missed out on so much. In my family and even with my friends, a lot of celebrations and events are centred around food and not feeling able to take part makes you so isolated. It made me angry at myself and the people around me when there was food I felt I couldn’t eat. That’s gone and I’m happier, more relaxed.

It got to a point where I was scared to visit my family and friends because I might have to eat at their homes which meant I wouldn’t have control over the types of food I was eating. At home I eat much healthier than if I go out. I’d like to say that that fear is gone but it isn’t, not completely. I get scared spending a day outside of my house could lead to a day long binge. And if my best friend is reading this, this is my explanation for bringing over random food to your house for lunch. I can’t help it, my brain still tortures me sometimes. I want to be a normal person that can eat just anything but it just isn’t how I work anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I want to eat the same as you but it isn’t possible for me. I love chocolate and I love cake, ice cream, biscuits, take away food, but I just can’t eat them as much as I want and that’s because I know my body. I know how my body stores fat and I know my metabolism is as slow as a snail. So that’s just not the life for me. When people say that all girls want is the perfect guy, that is so wrong. I basically want to eat everything and not gain weight. That would be so great.

I’ve come a long way with my recovery even since the summer. The past few months in particular have shaped me into a better version of myself and I can’t explain why. I just feel like even when I thought I was completely okay and I had myself together, I’ve progressed even from that stage. My outlook has changed on a lot. I don’t see myself as a body anymore. I don’t compare myself to other people. I’m happy enough just making my own goals and pushing myself to be my best. And that’s okay. That’s all I need. I hope that I can stick to how things are right now because everything is going fine. I don’t spend as much time with my bestie as I’d like but that can be fixed. There is room for improvement in one or two aspects of my life but right now, I’m content.  

 

The Next Step

it seems like the months have just flown by since Christmas and I’m getting nervous and excited. College is fast approaching and I’m just not ready. On one hand, I’m so ready to try living independently and having that freedom to see if I can handle living away from home. On the other hand, I’m leaving my home town and all my family and friends to go to Dublin, where I don’t know anybody. It’s gonna be such a big step for me and honestly, I’m a little scared. I’ve come along way in a year and some days I really wish I were in college right now and I feel like maybe I got left behind. I’m anxious to get there and do well. I don’t want it to be like my final exams all over again. I don’t want to get in the way of myself like I did with those. I know I can be great if I try and I want this so bad but my emotions stunt my growth sometimes and that scares me. It’s like I trip over myself and I’m tired of that happening. I want to be great.

Im terrified I don’t get into the course I want. I don’t have a back up plan and I know, I should have, but what if all I want is that one thing? It is all I want and it’s out of my hands now. It’s kinda up to fate now whether or not I get it. I hope I do, I really hope. Maybe next year I’ll be more motivated all round to be better and be the best version of myself. My workouts aren’t as fun as they once were and with college and saving, paying for gym membership just isn’t very high on the list of priorities right now. But I would love a personal trainer and gym membership. Someone to whip my ass into shape when I’m not pushing myself as hard as I can. I’m really considering buying the Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guide. If any of you have any feedback on those, I’d love to hear so drop me a comment. I’ve seen such amazing progress pics but I’d love to get a better idea of what the programme is like.

I’m settling back into my normal schedule and treated myself to some full body pampering for the first time in ages. I don’t know but having smooth legs makes me feel fab! I’m not eating as healthy as I was a few weeks ago but I’ll get back into it. My chocolate cravings are a little crazy! But I’m fighting against them. Getting serious about making those changes. I’ll keep you all posted.