Mental Health is the One True Wealth

A Princess and her Journey to Health

Category: self love

Healing, at Last

Today I took my first big step towards healing. For months, for years, I’ve been fighting this mental battle with myself. My mental health is really good at times and this can last anywhere from days to months but always, that good spell comes to an end and I’m feeling very low and anxious again, without reason, cause or explanation. Last week it all finally came to a head when I was just mentally exhausted and I wanted to give up. I’ve never quit this battle with my mental health in my life so this was a terrifying experience for me. I’ve never reached that point where I’ve just thought fuck it, I’ve had enough. I was in this terrible place where I just couldn’t muster a happy thought and it scared me. I have finally reached the point in my life where I can’t keep riding these highs and lows anymore. I’m too exhausted to constantly have to got through this. So, I asked for help.

I’m officially on the waitlist for childhood abuse counselling. That phone call was the hardest, most necessary, thing I have ever done for myself. I’m so ready to be free from this suffocating feeling that has come from my silence. I’m tired of trying to cope with and understand this trauma by myself. This was never my fault and it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with that. I still haven’t grasped why this happened to me and maybe I’ll never have an answer for that.

It had become unbearable these past few months to have to work through the PTSD of these supressed memories alone. There are horrible, traumatic incidents that I’ve gone through that sometimes just surface and I have no idea what to do with them because in general, I feel over-dramatic when I think of myself as a survivor. I downplay all these things that happened to me, just so that I can function in my day to day life, at any capacity. I can’t verbalise some of the things I remember because I just cannot comprehend the evilness of some of it.

My eating disorder stemmed from these situations. I have an excellent memory and yet I haven’t a single memory of a time before I was made conscious of my weight. I had a complex about my weight at 8 years old. At 8 years old….I can’t finish that sentence. There’s unrest in my soul that I’m finally ready to deal with and I need help for that. I’m done with trying to deal with all of this alone, without the tools to do so. I’ve already given this too much of my life and I know that I can never have kids when I feel like this. I am aching to start a family, I have so much love I want to pass on, but I also have trauma that I won’t ever knowingly pass on. I’m so grateful that there is a free service out there that will help me through this.

I’m ready to start healing and living my very best life. It’s taken me so long to get here but I’m glad I finally made it.

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Photo by Mark Tacatani on

Freedom, at Last

There have been a few blog posts I’ve been considering writing for quite some time and today I even sat down and started to write one but the words didn’t come. So instead, I’m doing what I do best and writing from the heart and probably sharing too must of myself online. What’s new there? Anyway, I’ll keep going.

This post means a lot to me because it deals with identity and finding yourself, and losing yourself too. I’ve been in a relationship for just over three years. In this time so much of my life has changed. That is the people in my life, my perceptions of them and who I choose to associate with. The thing is, my significant other is significantly older than me. Like, by a lot. He’s 23 years my senior. Shock horror, I know. I don’t tell people this and I didn’t tell anybody for a long time because I was conditioned to think that that was wrong. I’m not ashamed of my relationship. We live in a society that is so quick to judge and the very people who should have supported me most when they found out about my relationship turned their backs on me. One whole half of my extended family basically completely turned away from me because of who I loved. What type of shitty people? Anyway, it was because of the negative reaction of those that were supposed to support me that I guess I just decided to hide it? The age gap in my relationship is actually one of the least interesting things about me.

My boyfriend is a whole huge part of my life so to hide him and our relationship took a huge part of myself away. I didn’t post so much on social media where people I knew where and it just impacted my mental health negatively. I have changed for the better dramatically since meeting my boyfriend. He has a calming effect on my personality and he has taught me to be kinder. I’m much better because of him. He’s honestly the most supportive, caring partner I could ask for. This messed me up a lot because I was made to feel as though our relationship was wrong, like I was being taken advantage of or like I had daddy issues. In all transparency I probably do but so would you if you we brought up like me lol. (Go read Sticks and Stones for reference) But the thing is, I need someone who is nurturing and supportive. I can’t deal with guys my age because I’m in no way into the idea of having to baby a man or deal with silly childish games. In my relationship we’re able to talk to each other openly and not hide things from each other.

We make perfect sense as a couple because we share the same world view, we have the same sense of humour, we balance each other out. I’ve always been more mature than my years and I honestly just needed someone who is on my level. I don’t want to wait until I’m 30 to have kids with someone who isn’t sure if they’re ready to grow up. I want kids probably in the next year or two and I’m so ready to get married. I’m finally secure enough in myself to be able to say these things and not particularly care what anyone says/thinks about that. I’m so tired of people not understanding that you can love whoever you want to love and there isn’t anything that should make one relationship less valid than another. I’m happy and at the end of the day, that’s all the really matters.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

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The Longest Summer

This summer in Ireland is the hottest in my memory and I’m not coping with it all that well. As a fair skinned gal, let me tell you, I am melting. My skin has turned from blinding ivory to a beautiful shade of off-white. I don’t tan. I’ve barely left my house which has been providing protection from the sun and heat which means I’ve had plenty of time for thinking.

I moved out of my home house about 3 years ago and for the first time since then, I’m living back home again. So much has changed and yet, so much is the same. Last time I lived here, I knew nothing about life. I was sick and I was naïve. I’ve been out in the world now, I’ve been to college, I’ve worked, I’ve met my soulmate, I’ve dealt with an over-whelming loss. 2017 was by far the toughest year of my life, for myself and my family. I’ve experienced losing a family member, my great gran in 2016. We weren’t that close, I was sad and I’m an empath so I felt that pain in my family. Last year messed me up though. In all the time since my recovery this was the biggest hurdle I had to overcome. I lost my young cousin to suicide. I didn’t see it coming and it knocked the breath out of me. Collectively, my family were in shreds. So heart-breaking and so life-changing. I went into my familiar dark place for months. Piled on weight without even noticing, cried regularly. Couldn’t even speak about it.

I’m in a new space now where my heart still breaks to think about it, it’s still so fresh, but I know that life does not stop to allow you time to come to grips with these things. I have taken back control of my life and I’m looking for the goodness. Soon I’ll have my own home again, I have a wonderful boyfriend who would move heaven and earth for me. I’ve removed the one toxic influence from my life. Death has taught me how short life is and I won’t accept negativity anymore. I’ve learned to stand up for myself (without crying afterward). There’s a new strength I’ve found.

After 3 years I’m still struggling with body image, but all ED behaviours have been destroyed. I’ve joined Slimming World, I’m losing weight again and I’m becoming happier. I’m 8 weeks in and I’ve already made so many changes to my life. It’s been exactly what I needed and I’m going to keep it up. There’s no better feeling than peace in your own body and mind. It feels like summer 2015 again. Where I felt light and happy, like the world was full of possibility. I’m starting to make plans again. Plans for a future I so hope for and plans for a life that I didn’t even imagine before. Getting through the darkness makes you that much more grateful for the light. I feel like after the past couple of years I’ve had, I can get through anything.

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It’s my Turn

Tomorrow is a big day for me. That’s putting it mildly. Tomorrow is a huge day for me because it’s the day my college offers are going to come in. I’m sure that’s a big deal for everyone who’s going through it. But it means the world to me. My first choice is doing a BA in UCD. That, my friends, is my dream. It’s taken me a really long time to get here, but I made it and this is the life I choose for myself. It’s my turn. It’s my turn to think about myself, to put myself first, to pursue what it is that I want. I believe everything happens for a reason and that’s easy to believe, but when your whole future is thrown out into the universe and it’s a game of chance? Well, that makes me feel the need to really reassure myself. I’m nervous. My stomach is literally sick with nerves because I want this so bad. I want it with every fibre of my being. I want it because it’s the final middle finger to my eating disorder. It took so much from me, it can’t seep in and contaminate my future too.

Leaving Cert year was rough. Like, really rough. We’re talking going into school maybe three out of the five days in a week and when I got home, my evenings were spent sleeping instead of studying. Eating disorders put your body and soul through hell and honestly, bouncing back from that is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. Being in full time education and sitting some of the most important exams of your life doesn’t really help that. What I’m trying to say is, recovery and also trying to get an education are not a good mix. When you already feel like shit about yourself, do you really need exams to confirm how shit you are? The answer is no. The process of recovery is daunting. If you aren’t eating, you’re sleeping. Do you see the room for study and school? Nope, because there isn’t any. For me to survive the year (at all) I had to make a choice. I decided the best thing for me was to focus solely on recovery and tadaaa! As you can see I’m still here, breathing, living so yeah, success. A+. I did it. As expected though, there wasn’t a single A+ on my results sheet. I didn’t fail a single subject and I put that down to my natural genius (I kid), but I will forever be angry that I couldn’t just be the average teen sitting those exams. It’s frustrating knowing I could have done better if not for the circumstances.

But I got better. I got stronger. I now choose health and fitness and self love. I feel like I could take on the world, until that little hint of doubt creeps up. But I’ve gotten good at crushing that. Tomorrow, it’s my turn. Regardless of what way it goes, I’m going to go out into the world and be brilliant. I’m going to give college my all and hope it counteracts that last disastrous step in my education. Because I’m ready. I’ve had a year to sit and get ready for this. I’ve had a year to grow and really find who I am and I wanna take that outside of this town with me. They say not to put all your money on one horse and of course, that’s exactly what I’ve done. But I believe in the universe and I hope just this once, it’s gonna work in my favour. Good luck to anyone else out there waiting on exam results and college offers! No matter what, keep your chin up and be the best you can be.