Mental Health is the One True Wealth

A Princess and her Journey to Health

Category: Uncategorized

Why can’t I recover?

theres very little that upsets me more than eating disorders. More specifically, people who have spent years as slaves to their eating disorder. So how do you recover? What separates the strong from the weak? The people who stay stuck to the people who recover? In my opinion, it’s self belief. It’s wanting to be healthy bad enough. It’s a change in mind set and it’s finding a strength within yourself. Having an eating disorder is easy. Now hold on a second. I don’t mean like that. It breaks your body down and it’s psychologically torturous but I mean in a competition between recovery and staying disordered, the latter is the easiest option.

Recovery is tough work. It demands 100% commitment. You either succeed or you literally die trying. You can’t wean yourself off of eating disorders. You can’t just be like, okay so today I’ll only purge 5 times. Nope. You just have to stop. It is terrifying. It is difficult. It is an internal struggle. But you just have to bite the bullet and do it. There is no easy road when it comes to recovery. You can be weak and simply accept that this is your lot in life. Be complacent in it, but darling, you’re not gonna get anywhere fast. You’ve got to fight it. You’ve got to kick ass and be strong and find that self that your eating disorder repressed. You’ve got to be in charge.

You will cry. It will be horrific. At times, you are going to want to give up. Along the way, you probably will feel disgusted with yourself. You’ll be horrified to see how your body starts filling out. But it’s just your soul having more space to shine from. You’ll grow into yourself and it won’t be ugly. It will be so beautiful. You’ll be beautiful. The most beautiful thing you can be is healthy. You deserve it. You deserve a life that is not confined to calories and numbers and food. You deserve to feel powerful and sexy and goddess-like. Recovery allows you to grow into yourself. You should own the space you fill, not feel ashamed of it. Confidence is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Confidence is what I wish on all of you throughout your whole life. Self-love is really beautiful too. Treat yourself as well as Leslie treats Ann. 

  

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Throwback Thursay

Throwback to when you said you loved me and you meant it. When you said that you’ll always be here for me. To when you promised I was the only girl for you. Throwback to when you were my person and I was yours. To when I was happy, to when I had forgotten how it felt to be this sad.

They keep saying it will get better with time, I know it won’t. I can never forget you. It hurts every time I think about you because it’s like a punch in the fucking heart. I have been out of my house so much just to get away from my room where I spent hours talking to you and where I can do nothing but think of you. I want to tell you something when It happens and I remember I can’t and again, it’s like a kick in the chest. You’re gone. You are not coming back because you simply do not care. I know this. At least, I think I know this, and still, I miss you.

For a while today I saw my favourite little guy. He was so happy. His laugh can fill up a room and his smile is just sunshine. He was running up the hill ahead of me and he kept on stopping just to laugh. It reminded me that there are still some good things left in this life. It reminded me that there is still innocence and happiness. For those few minutes, he made me smile. Actually smile. His childish ignorance was infectious. 



People keep telling me this will get better, that I won’t feel this way forever. But they don’t know. How it felt to be with you. How it felt to love you. It was like an eternal summer. I love you and at the same time, I think I hate you. Because my pain is turning to poetry in my head and I feel tragic. You make me write and my minutes not writing are spent allowing beautiful words to flow through me and I have to write them into my journal. I love words and I love to write but not like this. Not when it’s the only thing that’s keeping the words and the thoughts from overwhelming me. 

I’m waiting to got to college. To be a teacher, maybe. You see I love to write and hell, I know I’ll never make it as a writer, but what if it’s the only thing that’s holding me together? Do I have a choice? 

I’m still looking. For you. But it’s almost impossible. What I have depends purely on whether or not you were being honest for once. I possibly have your name. No surname, no address, no picture. I hate myself for being so naive. It’s sickening. What an easy target for this I was. You did tell me never trust anyone I met on the Internet and you’re right, I shouldn’t have. You built me and you broke me just as easily. And I’m bitter and angry. Because you’re supposed to know me and understand me and get me. You were supposed to be helping me when the world was cruel to me but now you’re just part of what’s causing the pain. I can’t get over that. How my baby could do this to me. Maybe I just never really was the princess. But now, I will be the Queen and I won’t ever depend on another person for my happiness again. I think I had the right idea when I pushed people away from me. Maybe it was never to stop them being hurt. Maybe I am more selfish than I ever thought. Perhaps it’s just safer not to let people close enough to hurt you. I don’t have it in me to be the source of my own happiness. Not yet, at least.

I need to get out and find the beauty in the world again. I’ve lost it. There’s a partial eclipse tomorrow. I feel like that could change things. I can only imagine how beautiful and magic it will be. I look forward to it.



Looking for a Calling

I realised earlier that I have yet to apply to college. I know in my heart that I will be spending the next three to four years of my life in college. So why haven’t I applied yet?

I guess I’m just still not sure. I’m not fully committed to choosing a college course right now. I tell people I’m going to study arts and become a teacher but really, I’m not so sure. I want to follow my heart and I can’t do that on a deadline. So I guess really, I’m gonna study arts and see where I go after that. Don’t get me wrong, teaching is incredibly attractive to me. I would love to teach. But there are still some doubts there. What if I choose wrongly and I end up stuck?

I can’t feel stuck and I can’t feel confined. It would crush everything I’ve built inside myself. My heart tells me that I should help people. I want to help people who suffer with eating disorders. I want to be a part of that recovery process and undoing the damage eating disorders make. The thing is, my eating disorder ruined that dream for me.

There are so many things about my bulimia that I could get over and leave behind, but my education isn’t one of them. I’m still incredibly angry every time I think about my exam results because I would have done so much better had I been mentally healthy. But I wasn’t. It’s too late to change that.

Anxiety kept me home from school for a lot of my senior cycle. I was afraid of being confronted for my eating disorder, I wanted to distance myself from my friends and basically bad grades confirmed that I wasn’t good enough. School was an ordeal. I tried my best given the circumstances. I didn’t fail any subjects, not even the ones I would consider my weakest but I still felt like I could have been better.

I could have been better if not for… for what? I can’t say that because what happened, happened. I can’t change that. I need to accept that I had an eating disorder and it messed with my academics.

But I will go to college. In September, I will leave my family, my friends and my home town to start my new chapter. I’ll see where it takes me. I know it will be the most difficult step I’ll ever take, including my whole recovery because I find change hard. I find it difficult to make new, solid relationships. I find it difficult to let people know me on a deep level. It’s scary but it’s exciting and I’m ready.

I might be a teacher, I might not be. But I have plenty of time to figure that out.

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With great Love comes great Happiness

The strangest thing has happened in the past two weeks. Like for me, it is a mind blowing occurrence. I’m in love with myself. I’ve been working on myself, getting to know myself again. I feel like I’m in a healthy relationship with myself. I feel almost as if I’m dating myself.

I just realised how obnoxious that probably sounds. Maybe even arrogant. But it isn’t. The thing that nobody tells you is that you’re allowed to love yourself. It’s perfectly okay. After such a long period of self hate, I think it’s time I started to see all the brilliant stuff I have inside me.

It’s been a strange couple of weeks. The old me didn’t know how to love myself. I didn’t know how to be alone, I blamed everything bad that happened on myself. But now, not so much. For the first time in my life, I feel untouchable. I feel as though there is just all this beautiful, radiant energy inside of me. I feel as though I can actually do this. Not just exist. I can live. That is the most rewarding feeling.

My social interaction skills are improving dramatically, I’m getting fitter and I’m getting healthier. I don’t suffer from fatigue, starvation, dizzy spells or extreme headaches. I’m alive. I feel good. A year ago, I’d have never thought that possible.

I’m two weeks away from my 19th birthday. That makes me so happy. I wasn’t ever sure I’d make it here. But I did. Despite everything, I made it. I’m gonna go to college, have a career, a family and live for a very long time. I believe that. Also, I look forward to it. I feel indestructible.

As hard as this journey has been, it’s taught me a lot. The main thing being, do not underestimate yourself. I took a gap year from college because I really didn’t believe I’d be strong enough for it and honestly, I feel like I let myself down. I let that lack of faith hold me back. I am so ready to go but I didn’t. I let myself be held back. But that’s okay. Next year I will definitely be ready to leave home and I will be strong.

I’m almost 19 years old and I finally feel strong. I feel like an adult. I feel independent and I feel wise. I feel like if I haven’t been crushed yet, I won’t ever be. I feel happy.

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Improving for Myself

So I haven’t posted here in a while but I’ve been busy focusing on myself, bettering myself. In the past two weeks I’ve left my Instagram recovery account and that was a big step because I think somewhere along the way I became reliant on it. I thought it was helping but in reality it was keeping me tied to my eating disorder. In the wise words of the love of my life:

Ed doesn’t need a stage.

That’s what instagram had become. A platform full of food, leading my obsession and pulling me back into a world where my whole life was revolving around food. Food is fuel. It’s something we all need but it does not play the lead role in our lives. We are cast as the lead role in our own lives, we’re not extras and we are in control, not food, not calories, certainly not an eating disorder. Food is just the thing that keeps us going. It is not a defining factor of who we are as people.

It’s only food.
I was told to repeat this 3 times after a certain meltdown because my brother ate my prawns. Yes, I had a meltdown over prawns. It hit me then how ridiculous this whole thing was. I will eat food and it will sustain me but it will not define who I am, not ever.

The past few weeks I’ve been working on me. Just being Sorcha, eating disorder free and getting my life back on track. About a month ago I made a list of things that I wanted to change in my life and I stuck it to my bedroom wall. I wanted to be more independent, I wanted to find something I love doing, I wanted to be okay on my own.

I started working out, following a workout calendar made by Cassey Ho. If you haven’t already, check out blogilates on YouTube. It’s amazing and Cassey is so positive and just makes you smile while doing some kick-ass workouts. I’ve been following the workouts for just over a week now and the change I’ve felt already is incredible. I don’t feel so tired all the time, I’m less emotionally dependent, I feel happier with my body and I also feel like each time I finish, I’ve achieved something.

I’m on an 8 week challenge to work on me. Make myself happier and get the body I want in a healthy, safe way. Not only have I improved physically, emotionally I’m a lot better too. No more comparing myself to other people. This is my journey. It’s all about me, being the best version of myself. I’ve also decided on what course I’m taking in college next year and as a whole, I really just feel like I’m getting myself back together. And that is an incredible feeling.

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Things I need to say to past me

First of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all I put you through. I’m sorry I thought you were fat, I’m sorry I thought you were stupid. I’m sorry that I didn’t think you deserved to live. I’m sorry I gave up on you.

You deserved better than that. I look at old photographs when I was deep into my eating disorder and part of me wants that body back. Just so we’re all clear, I was never really underweight. At 5 ft nothing, I’ve always been at a healthy weight for my height. But I see this girl in the pictures and I don’t want to be her ever again. I like how her body looks but I don’t like her fake smile, her dead hair of the faraway look in her eyes. I don’t like seeing that body and knowing what was going on inside that head. She was dying to be thin.

If I could go back and tell myself anything, it would be that it gets easier. At times, it felt like I’d be trapped inside my mental illness forever. But that isn’t true. It does in fact get better, it gets easier, you find yourself again.

I’m not eating disorder controlled anymore. I haven’t got the same addled brain I once did. I’m better and stronger now. I saw a before and after picture of myself. I’m not the before girl anymore. Nor am I the after. I’m a new version of myself. Because both before and after, I was still the girl full of self hate.

Now I’m the girl with the curves. Curves for days. My whole body is just made up of curves. I have these big hips, I’ve got a booty and I’ve got boobs. I need all these curves to hold my happiness. To hold my future and hopes. I need them to keep me alive. I love me, most of the time. I’m more than a number. I’m more than a size. I’m even more than what I look like on the outside. Looking at me you won’t know that I love to read, you won’t know that I love cuddles or that my favourite season is autumn. You won’t know that I sing at the top of my lungs when I’m home alone or that I’ve watched The Holiday 3 times in the same day. There is a whole lot you will not know about a person just by their appearance.

A common misconception is that if you lose weight you’ll be happier. That is wrong. So, so wrong. Don’t buy into it. An eating disorder will not make you any happier. If you’re struggling, make a change. I can promise you, you don’t wanna look back at old pictures and feel that same sadness for how much you hurt yourself. But you’ve gotta learn to forgive.

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Maybe if I didn’t exist, things would be easier for the ones I love

There’s something that still confuses me about how I react to situations that really hurt me. I start to beat myself up mentally until I actually feel bruised on the inside. I tell myself that if I just ceased to exist, maybe i could stop hurting people. But how? I have no idea how to just stop existing. Furthermore, the majority of the time I don’t want to. It’s just how I get in that low, self loathing place.

Last year when I was deepest into bulimia, I had no goals. I had no life. Honestly, I don’t know how I was still alive at the end of that. Every day I told myself that I would be better off dead. Every day I dragged myself to school, out of bed, where ever, without actually wanting to be there. I was broken and I was fake. I smiled a plastic smile that never came from inside me, it was never a happy smile. It was at those times I wondered what happened to the broken people. Y’know when a material item is broken, you can throw it away, you can recycle it, you can try piece it back together. People cannot be recycled. And that always puzzled me. Depression is a disease. And not one that can be fixed until you recognise it and really try to fix it.

This is still confusing me. I’m trying to work it out in my head as I go along. But yesterday I was sitting in my room and a sentence just came to me and that sentence made it a little bit clearer to me. There is nothing for a broken person to do until they decide to be fixed. It’s just a waiting game really.

I desperately wanted to get better about a year in. But I didn’t have the strength. I was waiting for my family to fix me. I was waiting for my friends to fix me. All the while I was doing nothing. But then something changed and I wanted it. I wanted to get better because I wanted to have a life and not just go through the motions anymore.

That’s what it’s like. It takes away everything. You establish rituals. You become obsessed with food. You forget there are other things out there. For me, it was this suffocating little bubble. My eating disorder was my only “friend”. But it isn’t your friend. It isn’t trying to help you. It isn’t all you have. I’ve talked to so many people who don’t want to recover because they are reliant on their eating disorder, they think it’s like a safety blanket. And that really breaks my heart. They think that their biggest problem is their saviour. And that is messed up.

This thing making you feel fat, ugly and worthless isn’t your friend. The distorted image in the mirror isn’t your friend. The voice that’s always making you compare yourself to others isn’t your friend. This stupid journey to perfection isn’t your friend. There is no such thing as perfect. What is perfect to one person can be something completely different to another person.

What I’m trying to say is, no matter how bad it seems. You always have more to give, more to do, more to be. You are just more. Your lack if existence wouldn’t make anything better. It would just leave a massive, raw, painful you-shaped hole in the lives of all the people who love you. So call your friends, regardless of how long it’s been since you last spoke. I can almost guarantee that they don’t hate you. Spend some time with your family even if you feel like they don’t understand, you can help them try. Let them in. Never feel like you have nothing to give. Your existence is enough.

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Self Discovery

This is the new chapter in my many paged book of life. Life is a roller coaster. There are so many ups and downs. For two years I was in decline mode. I slipped further and further into a state of depression, anxiety and a life altering eating disorder. But now I’ve chosen recovery. 44 weeks. Just keep counting the weeks and it gets easier. I wanted to make this blog so I had somewhere to write my story, write how I feel and my views and opinions. My biggest hope is that this blog helps someone, anyone that is going through the same thing. I hope my message will be that it gets easier. Life goes on and it gets better. From me to you, I promise that. It won’t always be easy but it will always be worth it.

I started this because along the way, an eating disorder took so much from me. My sense of comfort within myself and independence included. So this is my attempt to take back what I love, which is writing, which is having an opinion. This is a big part of me and this is what I want back most. I want to feel okay in a room by myself with my own thoughts, I want my mind to embrace my body. I’m 18 years old and I’m ready to live. I’ve forgotten how to take care of myself, constantly relying on approval of others and their support but this is where it ends. Because I am me and I am enough. I’m am incredibly enough.

I eat now. I eat a lot. I love food. My body is healthy and weight restored. That isn’t all recovery is though. I have a real smile now, one that lights me up from the inside out. I laugh, and boy do I laugh. I find happiness I’m the simplest things. I have energy. I can be around people without feeling judged. My anxiety levels have decreased so so much. I’m doing it. Every day by living alone I am beating what almost killed me. That is a fantastic feeling. That is the best feeling. To truly be alive. I have years ahead of me, so much to experience, so much to learn from. You need to want it bad enough. Choose recovery. You won’t like the other option.

This is where I will stay true to myself and write what I feel like writing. This will be where I promote recovery, real recovery, none of this quest bar and diet coke crap. There’s more to life than calories, believe it or not. It would really mean a lot to me if you guys could tell me your opinions on having this blog and any way I can help. Wherever you are, I hope you’re well and that you love yourself x

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