Grief is the thing….

I lost my dad in a road accident on January second. For days my brain was so chaotic and I kept thinking ‘grief if the thing with feathers’ confusing it for Emily Dickinson’s ‘Hope is the thing with Feathers’. Both are true. Grief has you looking for white feathers, hoping for a sign from your lost loved one. Grief has changed me. Grief has taken the best parts of me. I find it so hard to feel any joy. My heart isn’t hurting and it doesn’t feel broken because honestly, it doesn’t feel like it’s there at all. My chest could be empty. All I feel is deep, overwhelming, life-altering sadness.

I have a one year old daughter and on days when I’ve wanted to stay in bed in a depression pit, her presence has made that impossible and pushed me to get up and care for her. I don’t have the luxury of crying all day, what would that do to my child’s development? I don’t want her to have a sad, angry mam. So I’ve gotten up for over a month now and faced every day. I’ve cared for her to the best of my ability. She’s the light of my life and she has saved me in this. I’m so incredibly sad but my life still goes on. I keep going for her.

It pains me that she keeps getting older and learning new things my dad will never witness. I think grief is just having to miss someone the rest of your life and carry on around that. I’ve survived the worst month of my life. I regularly think about things I need to tell my dad and I have to go through the remembering he’s gone all over again. reliving it is one of the worst parts. Yesterday I ran to the window because I heard a motorbike outside. I forgot that it couldn’t be him. This whole thing has altered my brain chemistry, I’m traumatised. I don’t know when it starts to feel better.

2022

This year has been the craziest, hardest, most rewarding of my life. In January I got a promotion at work, changed location, took on a new role. I was settling into that role and learning new aspects of the job when in February, surprise! I found out I was pregnant.

Much of the year was then focused on pregnancy. I did everything I possibly could to help bub grow and thrive. Those first few months I was wracked with anxiety because I just wanted a baby so badly I was terrified of doing anything that would jeopardise that. I took my prenatal vitamins religiously, which is unheard of for me. I never ever remember to take my vitamins consistently. I stopped eating unpasteurised cheese, soft serve icecream, red meat. I remember just feeling so vulnerable, so sure I’d mess this up somehow. I caught covid at 6 weeks pregnant and I’ve never felt worse. I was sure that was the end. I was so miserable. But I got over it and crossed my fingers until my 13 week scan.

Everything was perfect, I heard that little heartbeat for the first time and I cried. We chose not to find out baby’s sex. The first few months I was convinced I was having a boy. For the life of me, I couldn’t choose a boys name. We took a baby moon to Santorini when I was 25 weeks pregnant and let me just remind myself to NEVER do that again. The long flight, the heat, the lack of public transport. Nope, never again. Not my best idea and really not relaxing. But I’m glad we took one last vacation just the two of us. It’s in Santorini that I feel the baby kick for the first time and I can breathe again for the first time in months. They’re okay, as long as I can feel kicking. Things got harder as pregnancy progressed, I got more tired, my body was more worn out. I stopped working a 40hour week at 27weeks and cut down to 25 hours instead. How I managed to keep that up until 35 weeks IN RETAIL, I’ll never know. Regardless, I did it.

The weight gain aspect of pregnancy was tough for me. I didn’t feel like myself. I tried to mentally prepare myself for motherhood but I couldn’t grasp it. I have this thing where nothing is real and tangible to me until it’s actually happening. I had no way to prepare besides getting a crib, buying what was needed for a baby. I couldn’t picture what my life was gonna be like after birth. I didn’t know who I’d be, how I’d be, if I was even capable of being a mom. All I knew was that I felt all this love for this baby growing inside me and I wanted them to have the best life. I wanted to give them the world. I hoped that for now, that would be enough.

At 37 weeks my little nugget is still laying horizontally, right under my lungs. They’ve gotten pretty sizeable and breathing is increasingly difficult, sleep is impossible. Baby is not making it easy on momma. We try to move the baby externally. PAIN. It doesn’t make a difference. This baby has no intentions of moving into a head down position. They’ve maintained the same position since the 13 week scan, I don’t think they ever switched it up. A stubborn little thing, just like mom. Somewhere around the babymoon I change my mind, I’m getting strong girl vibes because I feel like I can tell the personality better, like I know them better.

I got booked in for a c section and that was a lot. It wasn’t how I imagined giving birth but I had never ruled it out. On November 1st I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Her birth has given me so much trauma I’m not yet ready to unpack, but god, I’d do it all again for her. She’s my hopes and dreams come true. She’s my life’s work. None of the stupid things I did in the past matter because everything has led to this point. I’ve never felt a love like the one I have for her and every day has been incredible. Watching her grow is a privilege. I still look at her and I can’t believe she’s real. Almost 9 weeks of loving her, learning with her. She has the best little personality and I intend to nurture that. I hope she’ll always be this happy. I promise to her every day that I’ll always give her my all and I haven’t failed yet, even with the newborn exhaustion. She deserves the world. For the very first time in my life I feel content. I know I’m good at being her mama. Im self assured for the first time ever. I’m so excited for 2023 because I get to spend it with my little love, I couldn’t ask for more.

On the Up

Things have been looking up since I last posted here. I was at a very low low last time I wrote. My mental health was at its worst in a long time which prompted me to reach out and seek help. I’m still on the waiting list for counselling and I haven’t heard back yet but in that time I’ve started to be able to cope better. I’ve been going to the gym more frequently, 5-6 times a week and the difference that has made has been massive. My anxiety is reduced, my negative thoughts are not near as constant or overwhelming. All in all, I’m coping better.

I’m 5 weeks into the Get Shreddy Guide, by b-nd store and I’ve been loving it so far. It’s challenged me and kept me motivated. I was doing Grace Fit Guide for months and that did help me increase my strength but after a while it had gotten repetitive and I was losing interest. I would recommend Get Shreddy to everyone, advanced or beginner. The workouts are split into 2 lower body and 2 upper body sessions a week, with a core and cardio and lastly, total body conditioning. Going to the gym 6 times a week might seem excessive but it’s honestly so rewarding to finish that first week and the whole guide is only 6 weeks long. The workouts change every two weeks so just as your body gets comfortable, it’s switched up and you’re a beginner all over again! Sounds fun, right?

When I first started the total body conditioning was a big no from me but now it’s one of my favourite workouts. A good mix of strength training and cardio to really make you sweat and get shreddy for summer! I can’t actually believe next week week is week 6 and I’ll have completed this guide! I’m not usually a finisher so much as a procrastinator!

I’d say my weight has stayed in and around the same but I haven’t been very focused on being on a ‘cut’ but my whole physique has changed. I have definitely lost fat and become more ‘toned’. Proud of my quads and baby biceps in particular! I think for me, the biggest change has been with my mental health though. I’ve pushed myself and actually fallen in love with working out again rather than just doing it for the aesthetics. Totally helps that I’ve found a new gym bud too who has been amazing, whether it’s helping me with my form or just being there for a chat!

I’ve loved this programme so much I might just start it all over again! I’m looking into the Hanna Oeberg ‘Get Lean, Stay Healthy’ guide so if any of you have tried it, I’d be interested in hearing some feedback. Anyway, if you have a spare 6 weeks and you need a new challenge, Get Shreddy is the one.

 

Healing, at Last

Today I took my first big step towards healing. For months, for years, I’ve been fighting this mental battle with myself. My mental health is really good at times and this can last anywhere from days to months but always, that good spell comes to an end and I’m feeling very low and anxious again, without reason, cause or explanation. Last week it all finally came to a head when I was just mentally exhausted and I wanted to give up. I’ve never quit this battle with my mental health in my life so this was a terrifying experience for me. I’ve never reached that point where I’ve just thought fuck it, I’ve had enough. I was in this terrible place where I just couldn’t muster a happy thought and it scared me. I have finally reached the point in my life where I can’t keep riding these highs and lows anymore. I’m too exhausted to constantly have to got through this. So, I asked for help.

I’m officially on the waitlist for childhood abuse counselling. That phone call was the hardest, most necessary, thing I have ever done for myself. I’m so ready to be free from this suffocating feeling that has come from my silence. I’m tired of trying to cope with and understand this trauma by myself. This was never my fault and it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with that. I still haven’t grasped why this happened to me and maybe I’ll never have an answer for that.

It had become unbearable these past few months to have to work through the PTSD of these supressed memories alone. There are horrible, traumatic incidents that I’ve gone through that sometimes just surface and I have no idea what to do with them because in general, I feel over-dramatic when I think of myself as a survivor. I downplay all these things that happened to me, just so that I can function in my day to day life, at any capacity. I can’t verbalise some of the things I remember because I just cannot comprehend the evilness of some of it.

My eating disorder stemmed from these situations. I have an excellent memory and yet I haven’t a single memory of a time before I was made conscious of my weight. I had a complex about my weight at 8 years old. At 8 years old….I can’t finish that sentence. There’s unrest in my soul that I’m finally ready to deal with and I need help for that. I’m done with trying to deal with all of this alone, without the tools to do so. I’ve already given this too much of my life and I know that I can never have kids when I feel like this. I am aching to start a family, I have so much love I want to pass on, but I also have trauma that I won’t ever knowingly pass on. I’m so grateful that there is a free service out there that will help me through this.

I’m ready to start healing and living my very best life. It’s taken me so long to get here but I’m glad I finally made it.

Photo by Mark Tacatani on Pexels.com

Freedom, at Last

There have been a few blog posts I’ve been considering writing for quite some time and today I even sat down and started to write one but the words didn’t come. So instead, I’m doing what I do best and writing from the heart and probably sharing too must of myself online. What’s new there? Anyway, I’ll keep going.

This post means a lot to me because it deals with identity and finding yourself, and losing yourself too. I’ve been in a relationship for just over three years. In this time so much of my life has changed. That is the people in my life, my perceptions of them and who I choose to associate with. The thing is, my significant other is significantly older than me. Like, by a lot. He’s 23 years my senior. Shock horror, I know. I don’t tell people this and I didn’t tell anybody for a long time because I was conditioned to think that that was wrong. I’m not ashamed of my relationship. We live in a society that is so quick to judge and the very people who should have supported me most when they found out about my relationship turned their backs on me. One whole half of my extended family basically completely turned away from me because of who I loved. What type of shitty people? Anyway, it was because of the negative reaction of those that were supposed to support me that I guess I just decided to hide it? The age gap in my relationship is actually one of the least interesting things about me.

My boyfriend is a whole huge part of my life so to hide him and our relationship took a huge part of myself away. I didn’t post so much on social media where people I knew where and it just impacted my mental health negatively. I have changed for the better dramatically since meeting my boyfriend. He has a calming effect on my personality and he has taught me to be kinder. I’m much better because of him. He’s honestly the most supportive, caring partner I could ask for. This messed me up a lot because I was made to feel as though our relationship was wrong, like I was being taken advantage of or like I had daddy issues. In all transparency I probably do but so would you if you we brought up like me lol. (Go read Sticks and Stones for reference) But the thing is, I need someone who is nurturing and supportive. I can’t deal with guys my age because I’m in no way into the idea of having to baby a man or deal with silly childish games. In my relationship we’re able to talk to each other openly and not hide things from each other.

We make perfect sense as a couple because we share the same world view, we have the same sense of humour, we balance each other out. I’ve always been more mature than my years and I honestly just needed someone who is on my level. I don’t want to wait until I’m 30 to have kids with someone who isn’t sure if they’re ready to grow up. I want kids probably in the next year or two and I’m so ready to get married. I’m finally secure enough in myself to be able to say these things and not particularly care what anyone says/thinks about that. I’m so tired of people not understanding that you can love whoever you want to love and there isn’t anything that should make one relationship less valid than another. I’m happy and at the end of the day, that’s all the really matters.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

The Longest Summer

This summer in Ireland is the hottest in my memory and I’m not coping with it all that well. As a fair skinned gal, let me tell you, I am melting. My skin has turned from blinding ivory to a beautiful shade of off-white. I don’t tan. I’ve barely left my house which has been providing protection from the sun and heat which means I’ve had plenty of time for thinking.

I moved out of my home house about 3 years ago and for the first time since then, I’m living back home again. So much has changed and yet, so much is the same. Last time I lived here, I knew nothing about life. I was sick and I was naïve. I’ve been out in the world now, I’ve been to college, I’ve worked, I’ve met my soulmate, I’ve dealt with an over-whelming loss. 2017 was by far the toughest year of my life, for myself and my family. I’ve experienced losing a family member, my great gran in 2016. We weren’t that close, I was sad and I’m an empath so I felt that pain in my family. Last year messed me up though. In all the time since my recovery this was the biggest hurdle I had to overcome. I lost my young cousin to suicide. I didn’t see it coming and it knocked the breath out of me. Collectively, my family were in shreds. So heart-breaking and so life-changing. I went into my familiar dark place for months. Piled on weight without even noticing, cried regularly. Couldn’t even speak about it.

I’m in a new space now where my heart still breaks to think about it, it’s still so fresh, but I know that life does not stop to allow you time to come to grips with these things. I have taken back control of my life and I’m looking for the goodness. Soon I’ll have my own home again, I have a wonderful boyfriend who would move heaven and earth for me. I’ve removed the one toxic influence from my life. Death has taught me how short life is and I won’t accept negativity anymore. I’ve learned to stand up for myself (without crying afterward). There’s a new strength I’ve found.

After 3 years I’m still struggling with body image, but all ED behaviours have been destroyed. I’ve joined Slimming World, I’m losing weight again and I’m becoming happier. I’m 8 weeks in and I’ve already made so many changes to my life. It’s been exactly what I needed and I’m going to keep it up. There’s no better feeling than peace in your own body and mind. It feels like summer 2015 again. Where I felt light and happy, like the world was full of possibility. I’m starting to make plans again. Plans for a future I so hope for and plans for a life that I didn’t even imagine before. Getting through the darkness makes you that much more grateful for the light. I feel like after the past couple of years I’ve had, I can get through anything.

 

Sticks and Stones

There’s this rhyme that goes around the school yard and it goes like this, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. It means that the shitty kids on the playground can say what they want and those insults will just bounce off you. But I’m calling bullshit. Physical wounds will heal, verbal wounds seep into your system and poison your mind. Keep hearing something over and over and pretty soon you’ll start believing in it.

I grew up in a toxic environment. It’s taken me so long to openly admit that to those that are not closest to me. On a level, I was still trying to protect my abuser, but I can’t anymore. My father was a bully. His family were his victims. My whole life I’ve lived with this negative, draining presence in my life. He worms his way into every area of my life and takes the goodness out of it. For years I went through this constant onslaught of abuse. I was fat, lazy, useless. As a kid, this hurt me. I was a smart kid, I was always popular at school, I had a lot of friends. I was never bullied at school, but my bully was always waiting at home for me. When my teens started creeping in, I started taking all this stuff I was being told to heart. I was self conscious. About everything. My weight, the way I laughed, my accent for crying out loud. He pointed out everything about me, every single thing, and all of it was wrong. So I became cut off. I pretended to be someone else. My home life was miserable for the most part because I was afraid to draw attention to myself and set him off. He flipped in a second and those rages were unbearable. I was severely uncomfortable in my own home, always on edge.

It was around age 15 that this started really taking a toll. I developed an eating disorder because I thought I was fat and ugly, I suffered major anxiety, I developed depression. I was obsessive, a perfectionist. I had to have control. I had to be everything I wasn’t because the real me wasn’t good enough. I blamed my mother. We’re two completely different people. I didn’t know why she didn’t leave him. Why she didn’t protect us from him. But as I’ve gotten older I know that he manipulated her. Fed her lies and messed with her head so she couldn’t leave. He told her that all her family were tired of her, he was the only person that loved her. He’s a complete narcissist. Everything is always about him, he’s always, always, the victim. I recovered from my eating disorder 4 years ago but I still feel the effects of it. I moved away from home for almost 2 years. In that time, he couldn’t reach me. I finally found peace and happiness. I found self love. But now I’m back in my home town. He calls to my house. I hate it. But he won’t leave me alone. I don’t know how to cut him out of my life for good, because he’s so convincing. I still fall for the lies. Today is the day I call an end to it. Today I finally told him how much he hurt me. That he put me through hell, that he caused my eating disorder, my depression. I told him that he was supposed to protect me but he did the opposite, he instead was the person that put me through the most shit.

His reply was that he’s sorry I feel that way. His reply was that I’m just dramatic. His reply was essentially him dismissing my struggles. Belittling what he has done to me, worse, not even acknowledging it. All I wanted was for him to just once say sorry. He’s incapable of doing even that for me and so I’m finished. I don’t pity him. I have no more compassion left for him. I don’t hate him because that’s a waste of my energy. I simply don’t wish to acknowledge him anymore. He’s irrelevant to me. My mother took us out of that environment eventually. Now he doesn’t get to see his kids. He doesn’t get to do to my younger siblings what he did to us. My little sister needs to grow up knowing she is smart, she is beautiful and she is loved.

He tried to ingrain his beliefs in me. His beliefs about me, his racism and sexism. His intolerance, his nastiness. It didn’t work. I’m still here, a proud intersectional feminist. I am strong. This bully will not win.

Back on Board

I’ve been missing from here for months now. I guess the reason was I fell off the wagon in regards to working out and eating well. In times of personal turmoil I tend to distance myself rather than keep up pretences, which isn’t all bad. Am I right? Honesty is the best policy and I suppose I wouldn’t want to be misleading.

2016 wasn’t my greatest year. I could sit here and tell you that it’s because I lost motivation or I was lazy but I’m going to tell you a secret. As much as I will probably deny it if you were to say something to my face, I’m much to hard on myself. There it is. I gained a couple of pounds. Does that mean you should totally lose all the love you had for yourself? No, but alas, I did. I find it hard to look past these things. I feel like I’ve failed and disappointed myself. But I haven’t! The only reason to truly be disappointed would be if I couldn’t see these things. If I did not pick myself back up from this minor set back and start working towards my goals again.

I’ve come into this year with fresh perspective, an open mind and most importantly, a mission to find my confidence and self love again. I sometimes forget that I have so much to give and instead focus on my downfalls but this is where that ends. This year will be dedicated to myself. The year of Sorcha’s goals. Of course I’m being completely idealistic, but hey, it’s January and who isn’t?

Today marks my 7th day of being both gluten and dairy free. If you’ve been following this blog for a while I’m sure you know this isn’t the first time I’ve tried this. The first time, it went down like a lead balloon. Crashed and burned. That was probably more to do with my lack of knowledge/preparation than anything else. Going cold turkey I have been cranky, which is actually a sign that you do in fact have a gluten allergy. If I am not single by the end of this, I will be amazed. I decided to jump on board with the Blogilates 28 day Reset: http://www.blogilates.com/blog/2016/12/28/your-28-day-reset-challenge/ which eliminates 5 things from your diet, before slowly reintroducing them after the 28 days to see what causes a negative reaction in your body. These are:

1. Gluten
2. Dairy
3. Alcohol
4. Processed foods
5. Sugar

This was initially a nightmare. I take sugar in my tea and coffee. Butter on my toast. TOAST. Bread, noodles, cheese ( I miss you most, buddy), chocolate, pasta. All a no no for these 28 days. At the beginning of the week I was constantly starving and tired but I managed to still get my PIIT28 workouts in. I’m still tired but the hunger evened itself out and I got better at planning my meals around the ‘okayed’ foods. And you know what? Turkey meatballs are actually pretty good. Who knew? I’ve already started to notice things. My stomach aches are a thing of the past, my skin is glowing and no more headaches from coming down off sugar highs! Also feels good to say that I’ve lost 1kg in just 6 short days. Bonus points.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t counting down the 21 days until the end of this but I do actually think I will keep off gluten. Dairy, not so much because I seriously miss cheese and butter but it’s doable for a month. Not having sugar in my tea is a kicker and I’m so looking forward to a cuppa after this challenge. It’s encouraged me to cook more wholesome meals and eat more intuitively. Also, all that extra fruit I’ve been eating can’t be  a bad thing. I’ll keep this blog updated every week as this challenge progresses. Fellow Reset followers, keep strong, we got this!

 

 

The Art of Getting Back Up

Last time you heard from me I’d just started college. Something I’d been looking forward to for long but that turned out not to be everything I hoped for.

My course wasn’t right for me. At sixteen, studying English and history where I did would have been a dream come true. At sixteen, I was not the person I am now. Somewhere along the line I forgot to factor in the level of personal growth I had obtained. I forgot about the challenges I faced and I forgot to fully comprehend that I am no longer the same person I was. During my school days I hated physical education. It was a challenge for me, it was not something I looked forward to. Understandable for an overweight, unfit kid! But early into my eating disorder recovery I found working out. I first discovered a liking for it because of Blogilates, Cassey Ho’s YouTube fitness channel. I worked out alongside her on my iPad most evenings and I found that it was actually something I enjoyed doing. I think I stuck with her for a year and a half before I started seeing all these amazing progress pictures on Instagram coming from the BBG community. Almost a year ago now I purchased the Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guide and it was the best decision of my life.

Frumpy and sad in February⬆️

The whole community changed my life. These women are so positive and inspirational, always wanting you to be the best version of yourself. Kayla changed my life. I’ve been getting fitter, stronger, falling in love with the process of self improvement. I’m currently just finishing up week 9 of the guides, and yes, I made it to this point last time I attempted this but I’m sticking to it this time! College made me fall off the wagon with working out. I lost all my progress in a few weeks. I was deeply unhappy in what I was doing. My workouts where my only joy during that time and the stress made me give them to too.

In March I decided to change. I couldn’t continue on with that course for three more years. But then, what would I do? Simple. What I love. Working out, hopefully inspiring my love in other people. So fingers crossed, as of September I will be a training personal trainer! The course I found is perfect for me with a mix of nutrition studies and physical training. I’ve been feeling down on myself lately, not losing inches fast enough, not getting toned fast enough. I lost my belief in the process and I need to get that back. This is not the end, so I still have time to keep at it and get the body I want. I’m excited for what’s next!

“Just because you took longer than others doesn’t mean you failed.”

That College Life

So it’s been an eventful few weeks for me. I guess all along I did know college was gonna be tough. I took a year out to prepare, I thought I was ready for what was coming my way. But you could say I over-estimated myself. I underestimated how difficult it was actually going to be. I factored in early mornings, having to take care of myself and juggling with assignments. I forgot about some important things. I mean, when the longest you’ve ever spent away from home is two weeks abroad, moving out of home to a new city can be a culture shock. I didn’t factor in how lonely you can get in a big city when you don’t know anyone there. My family are crazy. They have no respect for privacy and don’t understand the meaning of the word quiet. So, moving into a new house with no kids, no chaos and no noise was well, for lack of a better word, strange. Silence is unnerving to me. Not having people waltz into my room unannounced is odd. I missed the noise. I miss the conversations I have with my mam, shouted from opposite floors of our house. The weekends can’t come soon enough, I miss home. I never thought I was a home-bird, but Dublin proved me wrong.

Dublin has already taught me a lot. It’s been an experience. I’m gonna be honest, the Dublin bus has been a nightmare. I’ve probably gotten lost/on the wrong bus up on twenty times the past three weeks. The city exhausts me. It’s impersonal, it’s fast paced and a lot of the time, it’s unforgiving. Buses won’t wait for you, cars will not stop for you and you’ll be damn lucky if a shop assistant is polite. I’m still finding my way, I’m slowly settling in, but it’s been rough. I dreamed of the big city, I was ready to be great and shine in a new place. Realistically, I’m quite insignificant. The world won’t stop for me there, I’ll have to fight to be acknowledged, but I’ll make my way. It’s still early days. 

It’s week two of classes and I’m already behind. My reading list is just building up and up and quite frankly, I don’t know where to find the time for it. Between classes, work and sleeping, my social life is non existent. I’ve made some great friends but having time to spend hanging out with them would be nice, if that’s not too much to ask! I made it back to the gym this week and after two weeks of questionable eating and zero exercise, it felt so good. The college gym is great. Very male dominated but I’ll work around that. Literally every girl in there Monday was on the treadmill. Gals, do your squats. Really. Stop being so cardio cantered. Try some weights, they’re magical. I spent two days crippled after leg day and they’re still not great on day three but it was the good kinda pain. It’s change. Serves me right for taking such a long break from my workouts. I made it to week 10 of the Bikini Body Guide but after such a long break, I restarted week one on Monday. Honestly, they never get any easier. How is that possible?? Kayla is queen. I’m looking forward to trying out more of the machines at the gym but I’m taking baby steps. I’m ready to get serious about my fitness and diet again because I noticed it really effects my mood, grumpy and frumpy isn’t what I’m going for. Gonna do my best and get my new friends to the gym with me and introduce them to The Kayla Movement. Having a workout buddy would be fab. 

I’m determined to make this week better for myself and set out a proper routine so I may have at least a fighting chance of making it to next weekend. Wish me luck!