Grief is the thing….

by Petiteprincessfitness

I lost my dad in a road accident on January second. For days my brain was so chaotic and I kept thinking ‘grief if the thing with feathers’ confusing it for Emily Dickinson’s ‘Hope is the thing with Feathers’. Both are true. Grief has you looking for white feathers, hoping for a sign from your lost loved one. Grief has changed me. Grief has taken the best parts of me. I find it so hard to feel any joy. My heart isn’t hurting and it doesn’t feel broken because honestly, it doesn’t feel like it’s there at all. My chest could be empty. All I feel is deep, overwhelming, life-altering sadness.

I have a one year old daughter and on days when I’ve wanted to stay in bed in a depression pit, her presence has made that impossible and pushed me to get up and care for her. I don’t have the luxury of crying all day, what would that do to my child’s development? I don’t want her to have a sad, angry mam. So I’ve gotten up for over a month now and faced every day. I’ve cared for her to the best of my ability. She’s the light of my life and she has saved me in this. I’m so incredibly sad but my life still goes on. I keep going for her.

It pains me that she keeps getting older and learning new things my dad will never witness. I think grief is just having to miss someone the rest of your life and carry on around that. I’ve survived the worst month of my life. I regularly think about things I need to tell my dad and I have to go through the remembering he’s gone all over again. reliving it is one of the worst parts. Yesterday I ran to the window because I heard a motorbike outside. I forgot that it couldn’t be him. This whole thing has altered my brain chemistry, I’m traumatised. I don’t know when it starts to feel better.